Not Dead Yet

It has been a long time since I have written. Part of that is shear laziness on my side, but part of that is busyness as well. Mostly laziness though.

The last time I wrote, I was working on Step 4. I am through that now, as well as Step 5. My inventory took much longer to write than it probably should have. I have since learned that many people sit down and just pound it out in a night, or similar short time-period. I didn't. I brainstormed, then began to work on it one or two incidents at a time, during my morning study time. Now, I am not very good at said study time, so I usually got it worked on four to five times per week. In the end, I had around 30 incidents, so it took me a long time to write.

Once I did finally get it done, I first took it to the Lord. Then, the next night, I confessed to my newly found sponsor, who I had found a week or so before. Finally (not necessary for Step 5), I took it to my wonderful wife. I wanted to make sure I was clean with her. I found out something unexpected in the process: I had already told her about pretty much everything. Now, don't think that means I was honest to her at the time, but over the course of recovery, I had actually confessed a lot more to her than I thought I had. It was a bit of a relief as I was going through and she kept saying, "You already told me about that one."

I also found that some of them were really difficult to share, both with my sponsor as well as my spouse. On the other hand, some were fairly easy. I did notice that it partially correlated with the length of time there was since the incident, but not always. The hardest ones to share with anybody were the ones in which I had manipulated my wife. They were by far the most shameful incidents.

In the end, I think the truth was not as bad as what she had imagined, especially with how long it had taken me to get the thing written out. That doesn't mean there were not shame-inspiring actions in the inventory, things that cut her to the core, but she had been afraid that there would be much worse.

Anyway, after that long night of confession, I burned it the next day. Well, first I deleted it from my computer. Then I burned it. I figured it would be more satisfying if I did it that way than if I burned it first, but then had to go back and delete it still. After it was said and done, in PASG we were going through Step 4 and it mentioned destroying those incidents that would not be beneficial to others, but possibly keeping the positive ones. Woops. To late. Still, I would rather have them destroyed than wait around to edit it and decide which ones would be beneficial to my kids and which ones not.

Despite the pain, work and difficulty, Steps 4 and 5 were so useful in my recovery. They allowed me to learn things I never would have, had I not done it. It was also a cleansing. When I was done, I felt lighter than I had in a long time. Sure, some weight has come back, but not to the same level. I just hope I can stay clean.

~Sean~

Starting the Inventory

Just an update here. I have not fallen off the planet (nor the wagon). Currently, I am starting into my inventory. Better said, I am starting into my inventory again. I started it close to three years ago, but it stalled out, like the rest of my recovery. Now, I am starting back into it again. Unlike last time, I am going to finish.

Talk about a hard step, and for multiple reasons. You would think that with all the shame associated with the memories, they would hold now draw, but even the memory of them is still triggering. At the same time, I am horrified of sharing them with my wife. It is going to hurt her so much! At the same time, it is also necessary.

Anyway. I am not dead, nor have I given up. I just have a hard step ahead, so don't know how much I will be writing here.

~Sean~

Trust - Distilling the Knowledge Gained

Well, my initial research done. I have exhausted the scriptures in the T(r)opical Guide, as well as any direct links in the cross references. Now comes the time when I pull together what I have found, in order to see if I have actually learned anything and to teach myself things that I overlooked. So, that is what I am going to be doing over the next couple of weeks. This is a post that will most likely be edited, rather than being a raw, rough draft. I hope that means it is better literature, but no guarantees there.

So, first off, what is Trust? Marriam-Webster defines trust as: belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective, etc. Which leads me toward the word belief. Trust is not knowledge, it is belief. Thus, in any person, it is still growing. If I trust in God, I believe he is good, reliable and honest. If I trust in my car, I believe the same. I think it will not leave me stranded on the side of the road, or only run when it wants to. If I trust in my wife, I believe she won't lie to me, nor try to do things that are directly damaging to me. She will have my best interests at heart.

So, what is okay to trust. The step I am working on is 3, Trust in God. So, I am specifically working to trust in my Heavenly Father. So that is going to be an important part of this, but I also want to know what is okay to trust and what is not. This being according to God and his infinite wisdom, not some temporary definition of the world's.

Trust in Riches

Proverbs 11:28 - He that trusteth in his riches shall fall: but the righteous shall flourish as a branch.

Trusting in riches in not okay. Now this is important. It is not talking about a love of riches, it is trust in riches. I would argue that there is a difference. This is important for me, because my wife and are are working (fairly) hard at getting out of debt, following the Dave Ramsey plan. At this point, we have our initial emergency fund (Baby Step 1) and are paying off debt (Baby Step 2). We paid off the credit card, which we charged up a little over a year ago, although that is a story for another day, and are now working on student loans.

Where I am slowly going with this, is that as we work toward financial freedom, it is getting easier to trust in money. We can pay our bills, which is a good thing, and are working on shrinking those bills, which is also a good thing. The thing we have to remember though, is that we are not to trust in the riches. I still think that we should work toward the goal of financial freedom and stability, but we have to remember that security comes from God, not from a debt-free portfolio. It comes from God.

I think of this one often, because it is his blessings that provides the employment I have. Those blessings allow me to make the money necessary to meet and exceed our expenses, to live within our current means, without my wife having to go to work. Now, I am not saying we couldn't live within our means, if we made less, but it is a blessing to be making progress as quickly as we are.

Trust in Idols

Isaiah 42:17 - They shall be turned back, they shall be greatly ashamed, that trust in graven images, that say to the molten images, Ye are our gods.

As an addict, shame is what I want to avoid, because it only feeds the addiction. So, if I trust in idols, I will be ashamed. As I look back at graven images from primitive societies, this is not very tempting, but I also know this isn't really what it is talking about. It is speaking of things or ideas that are prioritized higher than God. Or, put another ways, things I trust more than God. I need to watch for those.

Now, that doesn't mean I cannot trust in them at all, but when I trust them more than God, that is the problem. Going back to the money idea, I guess it isn't bad to put some trust in working towards being debt-free, but I need to ensure that it is in its proper place. God should be top dog, when it comes to things I trust. He should be trusted more than myself, my wife, my therapist, the PASG/ARP program. He should be number one. Otherwise, I will be ashamed.

Why would I be ashamed? I think it comes down to all of them having the ability to fail me, except for my Heavenly Father. He will never fail me! He will always be there for me, providing me with what I need, if I will let Him. The others, no matter how much they care for my well being, no matter how good they are, they can fail. That means, that if I have placed to much trust in them and they fail, I will be disappointed and ultimately ashamed.

Trust in Wickedness

Isaiah 47:10 - For thou hast trusted in thy wickedness: thou hast said, None seeth me. Thy wisdom and thy knowledge, it hath perverted thee; and thou hast said in thine heart, I am, and none else beside me.

This is one of those that I wonder why I even have to define it. Why would I ever trust in wickedness? I mean, wickedness never was happiness, right? I know that, and have since my freshman year in High School. Or, in theory I knew and know that. In practice, maybe not so much. Trusting in wickedness will pervert me. How true that hits.

I have an addiction. I have a disease. That disease keeps pushing me back to the same sins, where it tries to tell me I will find relief from my problems. Relief from my weaknesses. Relief from my feelings. I can go there and escape my difficulties. I can go there and leave it all behind. I can go there and be validated and even loved. What lies they are, but they are there.

And, they are tempting. Despite all the heartache, pain and damage done, a part of me still wants to trust in those lies. Trust in my sins. I want to put trust in a place that has only done me harm. If I go back to the definition, it seems silly. No, it seems absurd. Why would I think wickedness is honest, reliable or good?

This is where the sickness (once again) rears its ugly head. I know the pain indulging in my addiction brings. Usually, it begins as soon as I am done. I hate myself. How could I do that again? Then, I begin to think of the ramifications. Now I have to tell my wife, my bishop. Then, as the repentance process continues, I feel sorrow for my Heavenly Father as well. All of it is inevitable, yet I still choose to ascribe to the lie. I still trust the wickedness.

In the next verse, Isaiah speaks of desolation coming. Ultimately, if I continue to trust my addiction, my wickedness, that is what will happen. I will be abandoned by my wife, my friends and turn into an even more twisted person. I have to learn not to trust my wickedness, before it is to late.

Trust in Lies

Jeremiah 7:8 - Behold, ye trust in lying words, that cannot profit.

I think like in wickedness, this one seems self-explanatory, but is not. I mean, why would anybody, ever trust in lies. I guess one option is if you do not know they are lies. That is the situation my wife found herself in. That is understandable, although I often go back to "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.", when I wonder why it is taking so long for her to heal and trust me again. Still, if one doesn't know they are lies and trust in them, that is one thing, because one doesn't know any better. On the other hand, if one knows and still trusts, the equation has shifted a little.

Sadly, I would bet I have fallen into the trap of trusting things I know are untrue. For instance, I have known the church to be true. Despite my  inconsistent actions, I have known that the church, and its teachings, are true. Yet, there are times I have chosen to believe the lies Satan (and the world we live in) tell. They tell them so well that sometimes I don't realize them for what they are, but sometimes I really don't care enough to expose them to myself and avoid the trap.

One of those lies is that pornography and masturbation are normal, or at least not that terrible. I did not believe the first half. I have always seen it for the lie it is, justification to assuage the guilt and shame that comes from those acts. If you make it acceptable, there is nothing to feel bad about. But yet, I still bought into it partially. I used it to convince myself that what I was doing wasn't that bad (see article on hairsplitting). Thus, I didn't need to tell my wife and I definitely didn't need to tell my bishop. At least, not yet.

Deep down. I knew it wasn't true. I knew, but I was able to justify it, because how much of it was actually pornography? I mean, some of it was just immodest women, not really pornography. Besides, that video wasn't that bad, so it would probably be better if I didn't mention it, because that was the last time anyway. No need to hurt Maggie. I will just let it fade into the past. I can live with that guilt (and shame, although I didn't see the connection at the time), as long as I don't hurt my wife.

Talk about believing the lies. I had to, because that was the only way I could justify where I was and not feel it overly necessary to change (or at least to change too drastically). Three-and-a-half years ago, I had been believing that lie for a long time. I had been ascribing to it so fully, that I had been demonstrably involved in pornography for 1 1/2 years, without telling my wife. Sure, I had small white-knuckle breaks in there, but it was pretty steady for that time. And yet, I continued to justify my lack of honesty to my eternal companion. I continued to push it aside and tell myself that it was the last time. I would tell her ten years down the road, when it had faded into our past. Yep. I drank the Koolaid, or at least sipped it to deaden the pain of guilt and shame enough to stay quite.

Who/What can I trust?

As I go through, I see two things. 1. I am not distilling very much. In fact, this is turning into an extremely long post. 2. There are sure a lot of things I am not supposed to trust. In fact, am I allowed to trust anything? If not, that can be pretty depressing knowledge. So, lets switch gears and see what I am allowed to trust.

My Wife

Proverbs 31:11 - The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

So, it is okay to trust in my wife. Of course, this assumes that she is trustworthy. I think it would be safe to reverse this and say that the wife should be able to trust her husband, but that is obviously is not the case in my situation. This is actually where and why my wife struggles so much. She should be able to trust in me and be safe, but cannot. On my side though, my wife has proven trustworthy, so I should be able to. I still find it difficult to share my feelings though, even when she has proven to be mostly understanding.

Trust those that trust in God

Mosiah 23:14 - And also trust no one to be your teacher nor your minister, except he be a man of God, walking in his ways and keeping his commandments.

Maybe this is where it falls apart for my wife. She can trust me, as long as I am trusting in the Lord. Once I stop doing that, it is not safe for her to trust me anymore. This goes for all relationships I think. Thus, in order to earn her trust, I have to be following God's commandments. I have to be doing the things God wants me to do. Otherwise, I am not trustworthy. I am seeking after my own desires and that never leads to good things. For anybody. But, especially for me, with my drug of choice.

Trust in God

2 Corinthians 1:9-10 - But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us;

And so, we circle back to the original topic. Trust in God allows him to deliver us from our sins, yesterday, today and tomorrow. As long I continue to trust Him, and do what He asks me to do, He will deliver me. That is the essence of what I've learned. It may be difficult to trust at times, but it will be worth it in the end.

Benefits of Trusting in God

I love this quote:

The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. - Elder Richard G Scott

Ultimately, this is why I need to trust in God. As I do, I will grow more quickly than I could ever hope to on my own. Along with it, I will attain the greatest happiness. Seems like some pretty compelling reasons, because trusting in my addiction gets me neither of those.

~Sean~

What I Want

Yesterday, I had the desire to acted out. I had been triggered and so I wanted to go and feed that craving, which is not a good place to be. I am glad to say that I didn't feed the addiction, but it brought up something that I have thought about many times before, but never attempted to put it into writing. So, here is an attempt.

What do I want? I mean, what do I really want? Well, at times when I am not triggered, I want to stay clean. I want to be pure and do the things I know my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I never want to seek out, nor view pornography again. I don't want to have lustful thoughts. I want to have clean hands and a pure heart. I have pure, clean desires.

Once I am triggered and the sickness tries to prevail, that is not so much the case, at least not completely. I have heard it compared to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, an apt comparison I believe. I think it is deeper though, at least in the beginning. I think I often have a transition period, a time when Hyde is trying to take over. At that point, Jekyll is still in charge, but I have a desire to act out. Depending on how triggered I am, that desire can be large or small.

Whatever the case though, in the beginning that desire is only a part of what I want. the other part of me still wants good things. It still wants to stay clean. I think the problem is that so often in the past, I have chosen to embrace Hyde. Even though he has killed so much of what I love, I accept him and give him the opportunity to take over.

I guess I need to make sure I don't let Jekyll get too strong. Too alluring. In times like this when I am feeling good, the idea that something so hideous is alluring is disgusting. But it is, because it gets me away from something. Last night, I think it was boredom and numbness. I am off at a week long training for my job and have been sitting in class for 8 hours a day for the last three days and it is starting to get monotonous. It is also tiring and wears my brain out. Not a good combo.

I do the same thing today, so I need to make sure I focus on keeping my thoughts lust free. And, if I get that craving toward Hyde, I need to pray. Pray like my life depends on it, because it does. My spiritual life does, and the temporal life I want does too.

By the way. 8 1/2 weeks of sobriety.

~Sean~

Bad Dreams

I had some bad dreams last night. I would call them nightmares, and they probably are, but I usually think of nightmares as horrific (monsters, near death, etc.). This was nothing of the sort, although it was horrible. Whatever the case, the classification isn't that important. The feelings are.

There were two major parts to it. The first one happened when I got a phone call. It was from my bishop, who told me over the phone that I was being relieved of my calling. I was flabbergasted. Now, interestingly, I just don't think that would be that big of a deal in real life. I do not think I would be devastated if I lost my job. In my dream, I was. I didn't know what to say. I hung up.

We then went to a ward party, or camp-out or something (dreams aren't always so clear cut), and I was trying to ask anybody I could think of. The second counselor in the bishopric. My dad, who is the financial clerk (which would have had nothing to do with it, but I knew he had been present for some reason). Nobody could tell me anything and in my head, I knew it was for legal reasons.

The whole time, in my head, I wondered if it was because of my pornography addiction. I thought of other possible reasons too, but that was the one that kept cropping up. And the way everybody I talked to kept looking at me - ashamed, devastated, like I had the plague - I knew that I must be right. I had been cut off because of my sexual addiction and everybody that mattered knew. And they were repulsed because of it.

The second part happened at work. I got called into a meeting or something, with the CEO and the HR representative. They told me that I was being terminated, but wouldn't tell me why. I was devastated, but I didn't dare ask why I was being fired. Again, I was terrified that I knew why, but was also afraid to bring it up, in case I was wrong. Instead, I mentioned something about fighting it, since they couldn't even site reasons, but they looked at me like I wouldn't want to do that. I would lose and just embarrass myself in the meantime.

I knew they were right, because I was being fired because of my addiction, but they didn't want to say it. What could I do? I went home and told my wife, who asked me why. I told her I didn't know. Deep down, I suspected, but I didn't know and I told her that they hadn't told me why.

It was horrendous. Sadly, to one or extent or another, it is all possible. If I don't stay in recovery, either of those could happen. However, the thing that really sticks out is the intense shame I felt. I wanted to find out about both instances. I wanted to find out the reasons why, but I was afraid to ask the important questions. I couldn't ask: "Is it because of my pornography addiction?", because what if they didn't already know? I couldn't handle that. In every instance, I felt like the person didn't feel like they could say anything, because of legal reasons, but also because of shame. But, if I brought it up, surely they would be able to confirm it.

Shame is a powerful deterrent though. It kept me from speaking up and it still does. The truth of the matter is that in most cases, the people are a lot less ashamed than I think they will be. But, that also doesn't matter. The truth is the truth and I need to tell it, no matter the shame.

Trust - Part Last (I think)

Mosiah 23:14 - And also trust no one to be your teacher nor your minister, except he be a man of God, walking in his ways and keeping his commandments.

So, as far as somebody to lead in spiritual matters, I should not trust them unless they trust in God. My wife should probably have the same perspective towards me. I am not to be trusted, unless I am trusting in God. So, for that reason it is important that I learn to how to trust God, and begin doing a better job at it. Otherwise, I am not worthy of her trust, at least not when it comes to spiritual matters.

On the chance that I have already shared this, I am going to do it anyway. I was in the National Guard for 8 years of my life and I learned something interesting. There were some guys in my unit who were LDS and some that weren't. I never deployed with any of them, but had it come down to the wire, I trusted most of them with my life. Some of them I trusted more than others, and some I had absolutely no doubt that if it came down to it, my life was safe in their hands, because if they could do anything to save it they would. On top of that, they had the ability, the skills, to do so.

On the other hand, there were many of the same guys that I would not have trusted my spiritual well-being to. They had interesting or conflicting ideas, or in the case of some of them raised LDS in open rebellion to God's teachings. Whichever the case was, they were not safe when it came to spiritual matters, and I would not have trusted myself to their keeping. If I had been weak spiritually, I believe they would have just let me fall. Not very good wingmen in that case.

So, Alma is not saying that it is unwise to trust somebody that is not trusting in God, when it comes to temporal matters. I can hire a plumber, who does not trust in God and he may do a bang-up job at fixing my pipes, but I don't want him to be my spiritual leader. Maybe I am the same way.

So, if I want to be a good spiritual leader for my wife and chillins, I have got to be sure I trust in God. Otherwise, I am not fit to fulfill the role. I am not ready for my wife to trust me in that role.

I guess the real question is, am I trusting in God? I think, the answer is yes, to an extent, but I do think I could do better. It is something I will have to continue to work on. Tomorrow, I will write, or begin writing, my great exposition on trust. Stay tuned.

Trust - Teil Drei

Well, here starts week three of my scripture chain. Something I noticed last week was a distinct change in the tone of the scriptures. Up until now, I have been reading in the Old Testament, where most of the scriptures were about not trusting in the right things: money, idols, etc. Well, my last one last week was in Mathew, and the tone changed dramatically. It talked about how Christ trusted the Lord. In fact, he trusted him so much that he was mocked for it and would eventually be killed. Did he want those things to happen? No. But he trusted the Lord, no matter what happened.

Let's see where this week takes us.

Mark 10:24 - And the disciples were astonished at his words. But Jesus answereth again, and saith unto them, Children, how hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God!

I think this goes along with the love of riches scripture. It could easily be construed that riches are evil, but that is not what it is saying. It is saying that trust in riches is a stumbling block. Having riches is not bad, but when that is where our trust is placed, we need to reevaluate some things pretty quickly.

Luke16:11 - If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true riches?

It looks to me like God does not automatically trust us.  We also have to earn that. We have to show that we can be faithful with the small, low-valued things, before he will trust us with that which is big. As such, I need to prove myself in whatever he trusts to me. If I don't I will not get greater things, greater knowledge. On the other hand, if I am faithful, it shows the Lord that his gifts are important to me and that I am worthy of yet greater things.

2 Corinthians 1:9-10 - But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead: Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us;

I have a sentence of death in me: spiritual death. I have proved time and time again that I am not strong enough to keep myself away. God can raise me from that death, but not if I am trusting in myself, instead of in him.  As I trust in him, he will deliver me from my sins, from my addictions, but it does require that trust in Him, and only in him.

I find myself wondering if I only trust in him to overcome my addiction, or if I am still trusting in myself to an extent. It would seem silly to do so, with how many times I have proven to myself that I am untrustworthy. Yet, maybe I still do it. If so, I need to stop.

I do trust myself on the weekends, because I assume there will be less temptation. I let my scripture study and recovery slip, because I don't want to get up early on those days. As such, I am letting myself get further from my God. I also think it something like swimming against the tide, or climbing an eternally long escalator. When I stop for those two days, I am being carried away from my goal. As such, when I start up again Monday morning (or Tuesday), I have to make up the ground I lost. So, I am not just further from my God for those two days, but for the week in general. So, ensuring I don't miss any days can be very helpful in my recovery, so I am not continually trying to make up lost ground.

1 Thessalonians 2:4 - But as we were allowed of God to be put in trust with the gospel, even so we speak; not as pleasing men, but God, which trieth our hearts.

Today seems to be about the Lord trusting me. If I want God to trust me, I have to step outside of my comfort zone. I have to do what God wants me to do, not what I want to do. This tries my heart, or in other words this is difficult. It can be embarrassing, uncomfortable or just plain difficult. Whatever the case, he is the one I need to trust in. Trusting in him brings my greatest happiness, as well as my greatest progress. And, as I trust in him, and prove myself worthy, he trusts in me more. It's the circle of trust (and it moves us all...), where trust, and proving that said trust is well placed, begets more trust.

1 Timothy 1:11 - According to the glorious gospel of the blessed God, which was committed to my trust.

As I prove myself, the gospel, or the good word, is entrusted to me. I think that has two sides: I am given greater knowledge, but am also given greater responsibility to live and share that same knowledge with others. Part of gaining the knowledge about the gospel, and gospel principles, is learning the ever important principles of recovery. The PASG (as well as any LDS Addiction Recovery Program) is based on eternal gospel principles; principles that are needed to overcome compulsive, addictive behaviors. In order to stay in recovery, I need to learn, understand and apply these principles in my daily life. As I do that, my weaknesses will be made strong. If I forget them, if I don't use them, that strengthening can be reversed. If I let that happen, if I stop learning and applying the gospel principles in my life and recovery, I lose the Lord's trust. In the end, I lose.

D&C 12:8 - And no one can assist in this work except he shall be humble and full of love, having faith, hope, and charity, being temperate in all things, whatsoever shall be entrusted to his care.

I need to be temperate in everything that is entrusted to my care.  Temperate is moderation, or non-excessive. I often think of that as a warning against my tendency to obsess. I cannot obsess over things that I am blessed with, or that I am put in charge of. Instead, I need to ensure I put some effort toward them, but pay attention to other priorities as well. Temperance ensures that I get then things I need to accomplished, but also have some fun. It means I get the temporal things I need/want, but also make time for the gospel in my life.

I think one thing that will help with temperance is ensuring I do my study time on the weekends. That way I am not just abandoning spiritual nourishment during that time. I am still finding time for the Lord and his desires for me.

D&C 124:113 - And when he shall prove himself faithful in all things that shall be entrusted unto his care, yea, even a few things, he shall be made ruler over many;

Again, the circle of trust. As I prove that I am trustworthy in minor things,  the Lord's trust in me grows. He then gives me responsibility over greater things. The reverse is true too. As I do what I am asked to do, the Lord blesses me. Those blessings engender trust, which makes me want to listen to, or trust, him more fully, which then leads to more blessings. This life is about furthering that trust, on both sides of the equation.