Focus on His Will

When we took step 3, we faced the truth that recovery was far more the result of the Lord’s efforts than our own. He worked the miracle when we invited Him into our lives. Step 3 was a decision to allow God to recover and redeem us. It was a decision to allow Him to direct our lives, remembering, of course, that He always respects our agency. Thus, we decided to put our lives in His hands by continuing to follow this spiritually focused program of recovery. -LDS Addiction Recovery Program, Step 3: Trust in God-

I think this is where I am stuck. I was talking with my wife last night, about a couple of things coming up that will probably be difficult for me: a three day trip she is going on and a week long business trip I have scheduled. She asked me what I was going to do about it and I wasn't sure. I thought of something to do with my time, a book I could read, but don't feel like that is the best answer. Don't get me wrong. I think it is good to have a plan of something I can fall back on, instead of ending up saying: Watcha wanna do? I don't know, whatcha wanna do? But I also don't feel like it is the answer.

I need to get to the point where it is not dependent on my effort, but on the Lord's. My effort needs to be focused on accepting the Lord's will in my life. It needs to be in turning my will over to him, thus allowing him to show me what I need to be doing. Until that point, it will continue to be a question of what I am going to do with my time, so that Satan doesn't have the added opportunity to tempt me.

So, how do I go about turning my will over? I have often thought that I am not willing to quite give up my will to the Lord. I like the idea of it, but I also like doing what I want to do. Especially when what I want to do is not in opposition to his will. What I mean by that is that I don't like viewing pornography, however it may look from the outside. The feelings that are there during as well as after make it far less than worth the small high brought about. However, there are many other things I like to do, hobbies I have, that I do enjoy and are not associated with the same negative reactions. They are not innately wrong. Thus, the idea that I might have to give those up, if I truly submit my will to the Lord, is not promising. As I said, they are not evil things, so I may not have to give them up, but the idea that I might is less than enjoyable.

In the ARP manual, just before my previous quote, President Boyd K. Packer is quoted as saying: Perhaps the greatest discovery of my life, without question the greatest commitment, came when finally I had the confidence in God that I would loan or yield my agency to him— without compulsion or pressure, without any duress, as a single individual alone, by myself, no counterfeiting, nothing expected other than the privilege. In a sense, speaking figuratively, to take one’s agency, that precious gift which the scriptures make plain is essential to life itself, and say, ‘I will do as you direct,’ is afterward to learn that in so doing you possess it all the more” (Obedience, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Dec. 7, 1971], 4).

The last part about possessing our will all the more is what I look forward to. By handing my will over to the Lord, He can help me overcome my addiction, which is taking my will away. That is what I want. I want to be able to practice my will, not have the addiction overrule me. I just have to be willing to submit my will first, which I am not finding easy.

So, what do I do about this weekend (and the business trip in the long run)? I still think the contingency plan is important. I also think that I need to do all I can to turn my will over to the Lord. That means I need to listen for his will, so I can follow it. Looking back, there was almost a three week gap, when I didn't write here. I know he wants me to work my own recovery. That is important. So, I need to get back in the habit of focusing on that.

I also need to come up with some other ways to look to his will periodically throughout the day. In the long run, I hope to get that constant prayer in my heart, which will keep me focused on him, but I need to take baby steps in the mean time. I am going to set myself an hourly timer, which can be a prompt to say a prayer, or read a scripture, or do something else that will help me focus on my Father's will. An hour seems like a long time, but I need to start somewhere.

~Sean~