Bad Dreams

I had some bad dreams last night. I would call them nightmares, and they probably are, but I usually think of nightmares as horrific (monsters, near death, etc.). This was nothing of the sort, although it was horrible. Whatever the case, the classification isn't that important. The feelings are.

There were two major parts to it. The first one happened when I got a phone call. It was from my bishop, who told me over the phone that I was being relieved of my calling. I was flabbergasted. Now, interestingly, I just don't think that would be that big of a deal in real life. I do not think I would be devastated if I lost my job. In my dream, I was. I didn't know what to say. I hung up.

We then went to a ward party, or camp-out or something (dreams aren't always so clear cut), and I was trying to ask anybody I could think of. The second counselor in the bishopric. My dad, who is the financial clerk (which would have had nothing to do with it, but I knew he had been present for some reason). Nobody could tell me anything and in my head, I knew it was for legal reasons.

The whole time, in my head, I wondered if it was because of my pornography addiction. I thought of other possible reasons too, but that was the one that kept cropping up. And the way everybody I talked to kept looking at me - ashamed, devastated, like I had the plague - I knew that I must be right. I had been cut off because of my sexual addiction and everybody that mattered knew. And they were repulsed because of it.

The second part happened at work. I got called into a meeting or something, with the CEO and the HR representative. They told me that I was being terminated, but wouldn't tell me why. I was devastated, but I didn't dare ask why I was being fired. Again, I was terrified that I knew why, but was also afraid to bring it up, in case I was wrong. Instead, I mentioned something about fighting it, since they couldn't even site reasons, but they looked at me like I wouldn't want to do that. I would lose and just embarrass myself in the meantime.

I knew they were right, because I was being fired because of my addiction, but they didn't want to say it. What could I do? I went home and told my wife, who asked me why. I told her I didn't know. Deep down, I suspected, but I didn't know and I told her that they hadn't told me why.

It was horrendous. Sadly, to one or extent or another, it is all possible. If I don't stay in recovery, either of those could happen. However, the thing that really sticks out is the intense shame I felt. I wanted to find out about both instances. I wanted to find out the reasons why, but I was afraid to ask the important questions. I couldn't ask: "Is it because of my pornography addiction?", because what if they didn't already know? I couldn't handle that. In every instance, I felt like the person didn't feel like they could say anything, because of legal reasons, but also because of shame. But, if I brought it up, surely they would be able to confirm it.

Shame is a powerful deterrent though. It kept me from speaking up and it still does. The truth of the matter is that in most cases, the people are a lot less ashamed than I think they will be. But, that also doesn't matter. The truth is the truth and I need to tell it, no matter the shame.