What I Want

Yesterday, I had the desire to acted out. I had been triggered and so I wanted to go and feed that craving, which is not a good place to be. I am glad to say that I didn't feed the addiction, but it brought up something that I have thought about many times before, but never attempted to put it into writing. So, here is an attempt.

What do I want? I mean, what do I really want? Well, at times when I am not triggered, I want to stay clean. I want to be pure and do the things I know my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I never want to seek out, nor view pornography again. I don't want to have lustful thoughts. I want to have clean hands and a pure heart. I have pure, clean desires.

Once I am triggered and the sickness tries to prevail, that is not so much the case, at least not completely. I have heard it compared to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, an apt comparison I believe. I think it is deeper though, at least in the beginning. I think I often have a transition period, a time when Hyde is trying to take over. At that point, Jekyll is still in charge, but I have a desire to act out. Depending on how triggered I am, that desire can be large or small.

Whatever the case though, in the beginning that desire is only a part of what I want. the other part of me still wants good things. It still wants to stay clean. I think the problem is that so often in the past, I have chosen to embrace Hyde. Even though he has killed so much of what I love, I accept him and give him the opportunity to take over.

I guess I need to make sure I don't let Jekyll get too strong. Too alluring. In times like this when I am feeling good, the idea that something so hideous is alluring is disgusting. But it is, because it gets me away from something. Last night, I think it was boredom and numbness. I am off at a week long training for my job and have been sitting in class for 8 hours a day for the last three days and it is starting to get monotonous. It is also tiring and wears my brain out. Not a good combo.

I do the same thing today, so I need to make sure I focus on keeping my thoughts lust free. And, if I get that craving toward Hyde, I need to pray. Pray like my life depends on it, because it does. My spiritual life does, and the temporal life I want does too.

By the way. 8 1/2 weeks of sobriety.

~Sean~