Just an update here. I have not fallen off the planet (nor the wagon). Currently, I am starting into my inventory. Better said, I am starting into my inventory again. I started it close to three years ago, but it stalled out, like the rest of my recovery. Now, I am starting back into it again. Unlike last time, I am going to finish.
Talk about a hard step, and for multiple reasons. You would think that with all the shame associated with the memories, they would hold now draw, but even the memory of them is still triggering. At the same time, I am horrified of sharing them with my wife. It is going to hurt her so much! At the same time, it is also necessary.
Anyway. I am not dead, nor have I given up. I just have a hard step ahead, so don't know how much I will be writing here.
~Sean~
Don't have any fear in telling your wife everything. It's far better to keep her in the loop then leave her in the dark. She will see that you are doing fantastic on your road to recovery. Way to go. I know because I am a wife that has been mostly in the dark....but things are moving forward.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling! I'm just finishing up my inventory, and it is a very painful and depressing experience. It's also very cathartic, though. As I was writing I would keep remembering dark, terrible things I had done (that my subconscious was trying desperately to make me forget) in a nearly endless stream. It is both awesome and terrifying to see the full list--it makes me sigh in disgust, but it's also a relief to see that it isn't an endless pit. There is an end to the madness in the past, which gives me hope that there can be a complete end to it in the future.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Daisy: in my experience, the sooner, more complete, and more sincere a confession is, the quicker and easier the healing. Still, it should be done with much prayer, discussion with recovery friends, and self reflection.