Not Dead Yet

It has been a long time since I have written. Part of that is shear laziness on my side, but part of that is busyness as well. Mostly laziness though.

The last time I wrote, I was working on Step 4. I am through that now, as well as Step 5. My inventory took much longer to write than it probably should have. I have since learned that many people sit down and just pound it out in a night, or similar short time-period. I didn't. I brainstormed, then began to work on it one or two incidents at a time, during my morning study time. Now, I am not very good at said study time, so I usually got it worked on four to five times per week. In the end, I had around 30 incidents, so it took me a long time to write.

Once I did finally get it done, I first took it to the Lord. Then, the next night, I confessed to my newly found sponsor, who I had found a week or so before. Finally (not necessary for Step 5), I took it to my wonderful wife. I wanted to make sure I was clean with her. I found out something unexpected in the process: I had already told her about pretty much everything. Now, don't think that means I was honest to her at the time, but over the course of recovery, I had actually confessed a lot more to her than I thought I had. It was a bit of a relief as I was going through and she kept saying, "You already told me about that one."

I also found that some of them were really difficult to share, both with my sponsor as well as my spouse. On the other hand, some were fairly easy. I did notice that it partially correlated with the length of time there was since the incident, but not always. The hardest ones to share with anybody were the ones in which I had manipulated my wife. They were by far the most shameful incidents.

In the end, I think the truth was not as bad as what she had imagined, especially with how long it had taken me to get the thing written out. That doesn't mean there were not shame-inspiring actions in the inventory, things that cut her to the core, but she had been afraid that there would be much worse.

Anyway, after that long night of confession, I burned it the next day. Well, first I deleted it from my computer. Then I burned it. I figured it would be more satisfying if I did it that way than if I burned it first, but then had to go back and delete it still. After it was said and done, in PASG we were going through Step 4 and it mentioned destroying those incidents that would not be beneficial to others, but possibly keeping the positive ones. Woops. To late. Still, I would rather have them destroyed than wait around to edit it and decide which ones would be beneficial to my kids and which ones not.

Despite the pain, work and difficulty, Steps 4 and 5 were so useful in my recovery. They allowed me to learn things I never would have, had I not done it. It was also a cleansing. When I was done, I felt lighter than I had in a long time. Sure, some weight has come back, but not to the same level. I just hope I can stay clean.

~Sean~