Trust in God

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. -Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Neibur-

I have decided, despite my recent relapse, to go ahead and move onto Step 3. I think it is important to realize that it is not like I am abandoning the things I learned in the first two steps. Instead, I am just adding more to the mix. Which is a little overwhelming. I read a blog post recently, where it talked about a man in recovery, who went to group daily and saw a therapist every week. A thought I had was that I have no idea how he fit all of that in. I try to contain my work load within 40 hours a week and commute 45min. each way many days. I also get up at about five (more like 5:15) in the mornings, so I can work on my recovery. Still, I don't have a whole lot of time to get the things I need done (like split the mountain of wood that I feel like I am only whittling away at).

Now, the man, who was spending so much time, actually gave up in the end. He divorced his wife and went on to embrace the addiction, partially because of some faulty advice from a therapist. I also think it was overwhelming in the end. Which is why I think trusting in God is an important step.

I want to do everything myself. I hate asking for help. The only person I can ask for help from on a regular basis is my dad and I often feel like I am wearing him out. Instead, I want to be self-sufficient. I am an able-bodied man, who has the training and ability to take care of his family. As such, I don't feel like I need to ask for help from others. As Red Fraggle says: "I can do it on my own."

Sadly, as I have proved time and time again, I cannot overcome this addiction on my own. I just can't. I can be sober for a while, but I cannot recover. Now, I just need to learn to differentiate what I can do and what I cannot.  In Step 3, it says: "although you cannot control the choices and actions of others, you can decide how you will act in each situation you face." Later it says, "You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey him."

I can control the situations I put myself in, even if I cannot always control what happens there. I can control where I go online, even if I cannot control what advertisements are shown in the sidebar. I can control what I do if triggering ads appear. etc.

I can also think of scenarios and decide what I will do. I remember when I was younger, getting told to decide then what would happen if I was offered cigarettes or alcohol. I did. When the time came and I was offered a beer, I said, "No." He tried to tell me that it was okay. That nobody cared that I was underage and I stuck to my guns. I wasn't rude, but I told him that I didn't want any. He never offered again. Later, there were other opportunities and I held to my standards.

I need to do what I can in that arena, when it comes to pornography. It can help; however, I also need to realize that I cannot think of everything. I will miss some. I will have to rely on the Lord. Also, there are going to be times that I am tempted when I am weak. Thus, I need to turn to the Lord. I remember reading that singing a Hymn (or humming or thinking of the words) is not always a good choice,  because it looses effectiveness and can even become a trigger over time. A heartfelt prayer on the other hand, is a great coping mechanism. If I am truly communicating with my Heavenly Father and turning my will over to him, it will help me get out of the sticky situation. As I turn my will over to his, he will help me out.

~Sean~