I relapsed the night before last.
Man, how hard is that to type? I had been doing so well, or so I thought. My last date of reckoning was June 19th, which gave me 5 months. 23 weeks. 163 days. (No, that is not 5 months, twenty-three weeks and 163 days summed).
Today? 0 months. 0 weeks. 1 day.
I've known that relapse is a possibility and that many people do so during recovery, but I had hoped I was done. Relapsing is not recovery. It is actually stepping away from recovery. If I step back in, I can begin again, but it is not necessary to relapse to recover.
In the process, I hurt my wife and destroyed her trust again. Again! I keep wondering how much I can hurt her before she decides it is too much. And neither of us knows.
Anyway, I am working to pick up the pieces now and continue the recovery.
~Sean~
ah dang this is tough to hear. 5 months is super good though. I am very impressed. And yes, you are going to have to do all the battle damage analysis now. Retrace the steps. See where emotions were off. Emotions, for me, are the biggest indicator. If i don't manage or surrender negative emotions...relapse is inevitable. And you are going to have to surrender what the wife does/feels. That is the hardest part bc we don't want to hurt these dear women! I know it! But the women are getting their help/support. All you can do is work your recovery. And be completely honest/respect boundaries.
ReplyDeleteBlast. I'm praying for you. Don't turn this into a binge!! The next few days are going to be really rough. For sure! Stay close to your support. Call the sponsor if you have one!
When I slip up, I try to analyze why (Sid suggested something similar) I slipped up. What happened. What were my feelings. What was going on, was I tired, angry, etc.
ReplyDeleteWe can use slip ups to prevent the next one. Heavenly Father is willing to help us do so!
Thanks for the support. I need to sit back and analyse the relapse to find out what was the underlying emotions. That is really the only beneficial thing I can get out of it, so I better make sure it happens.
ReplyDelete