Talks are Good! I think.

So, my wife and I are trying to be more honest. Really, I am the one having to make the big changes in this realm (no surprise there), but she is working on it too. Now, when I say "more honest," I mean it. We are trying to tell each other everything. This might seem self-explanatory, but it's not. In fact, on two different occasions yesterday, when I talked with people (one in a Sunday School comment and once mano e mano), others commented about that not being the best coarse of action. Now, in the Sunday School case, I did lead off with the famed "Do these pants make my butt look big?" question, but I feel the principle is the same. Why do I think that?

In short, I didn't used to. For the first seven years of our marriage we didn't argue much. In fact, I would say that we only did on a couple of occasions. Part of this was due to the fact that I didn't want to. I am not trying to say that my wife did want to, but I really didn't want to. Thus, except for rare occasions, if what I wanted to say might cause an escalation of the conversation, I just didn't say it. This was good, I thought, as it kept the situation from getting worse. What actually happened, was that we would have "conversations," where I went much of the time without saying anything. My wife, ended up talking to a brick wall. Needless to say, that wasn't very effective communication.

Now, I didn't realize this, until she pointed it out one night. We were "discussing" our recoveries and I was disagreeing with something, but not expressing said disagreement. After my loving wife pointed out the problem, I let her know what I was bottling up. Now, I do filter out things that are vindictive, or that I am just saying because I am mad, if they are untrue, because that doesn't hep the being truthful part. On the other hand, there are things I say that make the situation worse. That's okay though (I think), as long as I am being truthful.

Does that mean I have to say everything that comes to mind? No. If it isn't true, it doesn't have to be shared.

What does this mean for us? If my wife asked the above question, I would have to answer truthfully. She asked. She must want to know. If she doesn't want to know, she had better not ask. Same goes for food.

What I am learning, is that I have a really hard time admitting I am angry. I think I have an aversion to the word. I will admit I am frustrated, hurt or embarrassed, but no angry. I am working on that though, because I am coming to realize that I am angry with her a lot more often than I thought. Admitting it, allows me to work on the problem though. It allows me to see why.

The bad part is that this new found honesty is leading to a lot of late night discussions. Conversations where we end up feeling mad or hurt. Conversations, where disagreements I would like to avoid take place. That is where I find myself wondering if it is a good thing. I just have to trust that it is.

~Sean~