Lack of Understanding

Well, my wife went to talk with the bishop last night. She had a lot of trepidation about doing so, because of experiences in her family's past and stories she had heard from other WOPA's (Wives of Porn Addicts). Despite the uncertainty and fear, she felt prompted that she needed to do so. She felt that it would help somehow.

We just recently had a change in the bishopric, so the new bishop was unaware of my problem. My last relapse had been cleared up with the old bishop. I have been debating on visiting with the new one, in order to at least be on his radar, but it was an interview I was not looking forward to.

When my wife decided she needed to see him, I thought about scheduling with him beforehand, so he would understand the situation before she went in; however, I feared that I might just be undermining her. What if I skewed his opinion to my side, just because of the way I told the story? I also thought about scheduling after her, but felt like I would be "cleaning up" the bishop's opinion. Either way, I felt like I might end up skewing it in my direction. Then again, maybe they were both just excuses not to do it.

Anyway, most of her fears came true. Bishop could see why she was hurting, but didn't have the understanding to really help her. He kept telling her that I was a good guy, instead of seeing that her hurt is legitimate. That it is a response to my betrayal.

In fact, it is interesting how few people see pornography as a betrayal. They fail to see why it should be difficult for the spouse, when they are clearly not the one with the addiction. Then again, maybe that is the problem. The mere word addiction.

It took a long time before alcoholism was seen as a sickness, not just a bad habit. Pornography, masturbation, or sexual addictions have not been labeled as such for very many years. Lustful thinking has been recognized as an addiction for even less time. As such, society at large, both inside and outside God's church, has a distinct lack of understanding about the problems and ramifications of the addictions. I feel that had she been telling our bishop that I was an alcoholic, she might have gotten a different response. Then again, maybe I am wrong.

Anyway, my wife made a comment about paving the way for others and how it sucks, because it is not giving her the strength she needs. I agree. It seems like, everybody she knows and has turned to has given her this look like, "What is your problem? He's the one with the addiction! You just need to buck up and support him in his recovery." Admittedly, the last sentence is less common, because of the lack of general knowledge about addiction recovery, but even those who understand that aspect fail to grasp the extent of her betrayal trauma.

So, I gain support, while she is left to grope blindly in the dark. The only support she can find is online, or in places like The Togetherness Project, which she found through a lot of hard work. They are good, but I wish she could find somebody that she didn't meet through ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com or the aforementioned Togetherness Project that understood what she is going through.

~Sean~