Modesty

My family and I went to a play last night. It was a local High School's production, which was very enjoyable for all. The boys were much more interested than I thought they would be and were not all that difficult to keep under reign. Read: we mostly got to pay attention, without embarrassing interruptions from the boys. The directors had done a good job instructing the kids and they seemed to be genuinely having fun. Overall, a great time.

But... A few of the characters had costumes that were more revealing than they needed to be. That meant, every time that character came on stage, or sometimes while they were still on stage, I had to do a mental check of my thoughts. Now, it wasn't too bad. Overall, I am in a pretty good place right now, so it wasn't as hard to do as it sometimes would have been. On the other hand, what if I were not in such a place right now? How hard would it have been? Would I have been able to cope with the triggering aspect? What would I have done? Would I have walked out on a high school performance? Would I have simply allowed my eyes to wander?

This brings me back to the subject of modesty. I often read articles about how our culture (both society at large, as well as the LDS culture) shames the female body. To some extent, they are right. In different cultures, they have very different standards of modesty (from next to no clothing to covered from head to toe). Does that mean that the problem of lustful thinking goes away, or is any worse? No. I don't think it does. Men in those cultures, who also suffer from tendencies toward lustful thinking find their parallels. It doesn't go away because of some clothing.

So why am I harping on the costumes? Because it did make it difficult for me. As one, who is struggling to recover from an addiction primarily to lustful thinking, but which leads to pornography and masturbation, it makes it more difficult. Does that mean that I feel that all women should cater to my needs and dress in head to toe padded suits, so as to hide anything that might be tempting? No! It does make it hard though. Often, I have to focus on why I am doing it. In the case of last night, by focusing on the story, characters, etc., I was able to stop the thoughts. I can cope with the problem, at least to an extent. I hope that as I continue recovery, that "extent" will grow and I will be able to cope with more.

As a help, when viewing media, I often ask myself two questions. What are they trying to accomplish? Why am I consuming the media? The second one is far more often the one I think about, but the former also has some application. If I am viewing media that could be triggering, which can be MANY things, I ask myself why I am viewing it. Now, truthfully, I could lie to myself. Much as I have done in the past, so this question takes an awful lot of honesty. As such, it has not always worked in the past, but it is a good place to start. Am I consuming the media because of the chance of getting some satiation for my addiction? Or, am I viewing it because it is presenting useful, or otherwise interesting information? If I am viewing it because it feeds the addiction, I have to stop. Often, that also means I have to turn off media all together. At that point, it is all to easy to continue the ritualization and proceed to acting out. Then again, maybe that is already acting out.

Last night, I was there to enjoy a high school production. That was it. As long as I kept my thoughts, and eyes, in check, that is where it stayed. I could enjoy the production for what it was. Had that changed, I would have had to make some changes, either to my thought process, or to the media I was consuming.

The second question is about the motives of the media. There is some media, whose sole purpose is to trigger me (and others like me). This is what is commonly referred to as pornography. There is no way I could watch it, at least for very long, and keep my thoughts clean. There is nothing else to get out of it. As such, I definitely have to stay away from that media. Sadly, that media can be found in many places. Many movies, which otherwise have much to offer, throw in scenes here and there, whose sole purpose is to present the sensuality. Sure, they may think (or claim) they are trying to present something else, but at least that part is designed for that purpose. From such, stay away.

Sadly, if I only had to be triggered by the second kind, life would be much easier. If I were only triggered when people are trying to trigger me, I could learn to stay away from those situations. That is not the case though. I can be triggered other places too. I do not think that the director of this play was trying to sexualize the characters. In fact, as my wife said (and I agree), one particular costume was very cute. It fit the character well; however, it was also the most triggering one. Had they spent a little more time (and been of a mindset to do so), they could have come up with another costume that was equally fitting, but less provoking. I don't use the word provocative, because I don't think they were intentionally eliciting those thoughts. It did, nonetheless, provoke such thoughts, which caused me to focus to control. I only hope, that as I go forward, I can have honest answers to the questions and be in a good enough place to take appropriate actions.

~Sean~