Time...Is Marching On

June 18th, 2013.

That is my last day viewing pornography. So, June 19th is my first sober day. Almost five months. Twenty Weeks. 144 Days. Those are all good days, but I have a hard time being too excited about them. You see, I had about 3 years of sobriety behind me (I had stopped keeping track). Sadly, I had stopped my recovery, but that was a long time. 36 Months. 78 Weeks. 1000+ days. When I compare the two sets of numbers, the former is pathetically small. So, it's hard to be too excited about it.

There is another aspect to it. Two-and-a-half years ago my youngest wasn't even born. Number Two was 1 1/2 years old and my oldest was three. They are now 2, 4 and 6. Once I have that much time under my belt, they will be 5, 7 and 9. From what research my wife has done, 9 is the average age for the first exposure to pornography. That means some are later, but some are earlier too. Thus, Number Two would be squarely within that range too. If they are going to have addictions to pornography and masturbation, the seeds could be being planted then. Heck, they could be being planted now.

So, what is this all coming too? I have to keep up the recovery this time. Sure, Christ will give me another chance, as long as I repent. My wife might, depending on how honest I am with her, because the dishonesty is what hurts her the most. But, if I don't want to pass this on to my sons, I may not have another chance. I need to develop the habits now, and reprogram my brain now, before it is too late, because they are surely going to face pornography temptations when they are older. I need to be ready to teach them about how to overcome Satan's horrendous poison. I need to be an example for them, and not an example of how it ruins lives.

When I started recovery the last time, it was because of a Stake Conference talk. I went to the early morning priesthood session, hoping to be spiritually uplifted. I had been acting out for about a year (maybe more, maybe less) and had not told my wife. When she asked me how things were going, I would lie. I would tell her I was fine. I had convinced myself that it wasn't that bad, and that it was better for her not to know. Besides, this time was the last time. I was going to go sober after that and let it sink into the background. So, I went to the session in denial about my little problem!

We had the most unexpected speaker. It was a woman. From my ward. And she talked about the evils of pornography and how they tore apart her happy marriage. He had been unwilling to work on his problem. Problem, what problem? He didn't have a problem. In the end, he had lost everything. In her narrative, I saw myself. Sure, I wasn't loosing everything yet, but it could be me, if I kept it up. Before the meeting was up, I determined to tell my wife.

That was the longest drive home I have ever experienced. As soon as I walked in the door, my unsuspecting wife asked how the meeting went. I said something like, "It was amazing!". Then I told her that I had to tell her something. My mind was already trying to get me to put it off. You don't need to tell her before Stake Conference. That would just ruin her morning. You could put it off until after church, that way she could at least be spiritually uplifted there. She was blown away. Sure, she had felt like something was off between us, but did not expect that. Especially not the year of lying.

Once I had divulged that, I had to go see the bishop. At this point, I could also realize that it was not a little problem. It was an addiction. We started attending the PASG, which was in its early days. We pawned the kids of on my sister one night a week, telling her we were going to something that could help our marriage. Not untrue, but I was unwilling to admit it to others at the time.

Anyway, this is not my whole life story. I am starting the slow count again. I hope to reach that same mark 2 1/2 years from now. In reality, I realize that that may not be the case, but I hope for it. More importantly though, is that if I slip, I want to be honest from the get go. An addiction cannot survive if it isn't in the dark. Plus, my wife, no matter what else happens, deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know if I lusted after another woman. She deserves to. I don't want to lose her! I don't want to lose the kids! That would be a dark day indeed.

~Sean~