Lies Hurt

So, we had another long discussion last night (read: argument). It was a good thing in the end, but hard. There are a couple of take-aways that I would like to discuss.

Lies Hurt
There is this rumor going around that some lies are okay. These are lies such as, "No, those pants don't make your butt look big." or, "I love this food." On the surface, thy look like they are saving somebody's feelings, which is a good thing. It seems like the perpetrator is just being nice. Well, they may be trying to be nice, but there is no "just" about it. What they are really doing is hurting the other person's trust. Now, with small lies, it may cause a small hurt, but it does none the less. Eventually, the one being lied to will stop asking about the pants, because they know they won't get a straight answer. Or, if they do ask, they will wonder whether they actually do, but the liar is just trying to hide the truth.

Now, take this problem and magnify it for much bigger lies. Such as pornography consumption. When I have used pornography, I have always had a hard time telling my wife. Even if she asked me point blank. My self justification was that I didn't want to hurt her. Now, that may have been true to an extent, true enough that I would kind of believe the rest of the lie, it wasn't very true at all. I didn't want to tell her, because it was going to hurt me. It meant that there would definitely be no sex that night (amazing how many of my decisions can hang on that possibility), not to mention that I would have to go talk to the bishop. I would have to change and I wasn't ready to do that yet. I was happy enough, miserable in my addiction.

So, now she has to wonder about every single thing I tell her. When I tell her, I have had some lustful thoughts that day, is that all there was? Or, am I using that to hide something bigger? The questions go on and on, because she doesn't know if it is the truth, if I am hiding the truth to protect her. Am I hiding the truth to protect me, or my addiction? No matter what I say and how honest I am, she doesn't know if I am really being honest, or just acting like I am.

Like so many things in recovery, time will heal. It is going to take a long time to rebuild that trust. In the meantime, she has to wonder. Sure, I get frustrated, but she gets to wonder about anything and everything I say, or don't say.

The Truth is Hard
At the same time, despite the knowledge of how destructive lies are, the truth is still hard sometimes. I still have a hard time telling her things I know will hurt her. Also, I have to ask myself whether what I say is really the truth, or am I bending it in some way. Why am I lying? Fear? Anger? Self Protection? If it is a lie after all, what is the truth? How do I tell her, if that is going to hurt? Man, it is all so tangled. The truth is much easier than lies though. No stories to make up. No lines to rehearse. Just say it like it really is. Not like I want it to be.

Recovery is Hard
This is a hard one, although it seems logical. I mean, if recovery were easy, I wouldn't need PASG and everybody could do it on their own. Sadly, it is not and so thousands and even millions of people suffer from the addiction. Now, my wife and I get to walk down the long road of recovery. It is rocky and I swear it is uphill most of the way, but in the end, I hope it is worth it.

Anger is, well, an Emotion
This is a hard one. As I look at my 6 year old, I see a lot of myself, including the anger issue I used to have. I say "used to", but apparently it is not as overcome as I thought. Why is that? Because I don't cope with the anger I just hold it in, until it "goes away." That is my explanation. When I need to express something that has to do with anger I am feeling, I often just don't. I don't express it. Instead, I just let it "melt away." Or so I thought. So, I need to find a better way to cope with it.

There is a problem that comes with that though. Sometimes, when I am mad I want to say things that would be destructive. Now, as I strive to be completely honest, I have to decide whether those are true, or whether I am just trying to get even. Am I just trying to make her hurt too? If it is true, but I am just saying it to hurt her, does it still have to be said?

As with so many things in my recovery, I don't know yet. I hope to learn over time.

Thanks for watching.~

~Sean~