Spit, Spat, Gesputten

My wife and I had quite the spat yesterday. I was at work and sent her a chat asking how things were going. She said fine, then there was a little small talk back and forth. Then she asked something to the affect of, "Why do you bring up group when I want to do something on Tuesday night, but not when you do." I got very defensive and the conversation deteriorated from there. At lunch, when I called home, it continued. I was kind of able to get off work early (only kind of, because I got called back in shortly after I got home, because of some network problems) and things got a better talking in person. Now, I have to say that they got better than they were, not completely better. Talking in person makes a big difference though, much better than chatting or talking on the phone.

Now, as you can probably guess, the fight didn't happen in a vacuum. As you already know, if you have read any of the other posts, I have a sexual addiction, pornography and masturbation being my drugs of choice. My wife, is facing trauma because of that, a natural reaction to your spouse betraying you and looking for sexual fulfillment outside of your marriage covenants - on multiple occasions. As such, there is a lot of anger and hurt on her side (a lot more than on my side), and a lot of shame on my side, and a lot of fear on both. As can be guessed, this is not an ideal situation for marital bliss.

There was a time we never fought. In fact, going into marriage, I made it a point not to. I remember, as a kid, seeing my parents fight. I specifically remember one night thinking that they were getting a divorce for sure. I was probably 8 years old and I remember them coming in when they heard me crying in my bed. They asked what was wrong and when I told them that I was afraid they were getting divorced, they said that wouldn't happen. They didn't fight any more, that night, but the experience stuck with me. My wife, on the other hand, had parents that divorced when she was a teenager, and that has had its own traumatizing effects on her.

Well, between the combination of these, I was determined not to fight. As such, in general (although I am far from perfect), if something seemed like it was going to cause a fight, I just didn't say it. I probably got this from my dad, who I am pretty sure does this about constantly, in order to avoid the fights I heard as a child. So, for the first 8 years of our relationship, we haven't fought much. Oh, I have brooded and pouted and had all kinds of crappy emotions, but we have rarely fought. That has changed recently.

Through talking with my wife and working on my Addiction I have found that this is dishonest. I am being dishonest with myself as well as with her. Now, this is a hard pill to swallow, as I liked having a marriage that was mostly free of fights, even if that came because I was hiding information and emotions from my eternal companion. Well, in the last month, we have had more than a couple of spats. I still have a hard time voicing my feelings, especially my anger, if I think it is going to lead into another one. Like yesterday, when she first asked the question and my blood began to boil, at first I didn't answer. I continued to work on what I had been, or at least tried to. Then, I realized what I was doing. I was being dishonest about my emotions, about my anger. So I lashed back. It was hard and it went on for a while, until she ended  with, "I didn't mean to fight with you at work. I will let you get back to what you were doing."

So, what did we argue about? Whether or not I am in recovery. I like to think that I am. I am trying to change. I am working on Step 1, being honest. On the other hand, I have yet to go to a support group meeting, which is where the argument stemmed from. The previous night, Tuesday, we had gone to The Saratov Approach. The first date we have had in a while and the first movie date in a looong while (we had a coupon that made it a free date). When she had suggested Tuseday night, I thought about letting her know that I was going to go to Group on Friday nights, but was dishonest and kept it to myself. Why? Because I thought one week would be okay. Because I wanted to see the movie. Because I wanted a date night. Because I have a hard time accepting that recovery is going to take time out of other things I would like to be doing. Because.

Well, that same night, before she got to the movies, she volunteered to help with a local theater production that is starting up, which meant she would be busy the next Tuesday night and I would be taking care of the kids. As she volunteered, I knew it would interfere, but didn't want to mention the problem in front of the outsiders. At some point that evening, after the movie I think, I mentioned the problem. She didn't say much, but the next day (as she was chatting with me), she realized the incongruity of the situation. That made here mad, which made me mad.

So, what does this all mean? I don't know. Maybe, it means I am not in recovery. Maybe, it means she is right. Maybe, it means I need to prioritize my recovery more. Maybe, it means recovery is harder than I would like to admit. Maybe.

I do know that I am tired. After two weeks in crisis mode, it is wearing on me. Today is a little better, but yesterday was bad. I have a 40 mile, 45 minute commute across the Navajo Reservation and I was fighting falling asleep. I managed to get to bed earlier last night though, so I hope to be less exhausted today. We'll see.

As far as good news, I did find a Support Group that looks promising. There are none in Blanding that focus on Sexual Addictions. They are all General Addicton Support Groups. This is one of the excuses I used when I quite going last time. I didn't feel like I was getting the support I needed. In Logan, it had been nice to be in a group of people that truly suffered the same as I did. It was also more supportive. Well, by going to the LDS Addiction Recovery site there is a page for finding Support Group Meetings. Apparently, there is a phone-based Pornography Addiction Support Group out of Snowflake, AZ. They meet Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday @ 7PM. Sundays @ 8PM, there is also a spouse meeting. A match made in heaven?

Or, am I just copping out? I don't know. I think I am going to give it a try this Sunday though, because I am not making it tomorrow night (with it being Halloween and all). That doesn't sound right, because I feel like I am claiming to have been going regularly. I have not been to Group in over a year, so this is a new start. A new start to a new life, although there will surely be bumps along the road. And that's the rest of the story.

Fig Leaves

And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked and I hid myself. -Genesis 3:10

That is exactly how I tend to act when I have acted out, if I have yet to confess. I hide from myself, from my wife and from the Lord. I am sure, that if it comes out this time, it will be too much. I won't be forgiven this time. Yes, I was able to last time, but that won't hold true for this one. It is just one time too many.

Just like Adam and Eve when in the garden, this is just a lie of Satan. If he can convince me to hide it for the rest of my life, he can stop (or at least slow) my mortal progression. Even if, I were never to repeat the sin, I would be seriously retarded in the speed of my learning and drawing unto my God. The truth is, I won't stop at the one time anyway, because now he has drawn me in and if I can hide once, I can hide it again.

I have heard stories of otherwise good saints, who have some dark sin early in their life, which they keep hidden until they are old, because they cannot bear to tell anyone. Then, finally, when they are old and near their graves, they confess it. Long before, they forsook the sin, but it took fifty years or more to confess. How would that be? Having that burden on you for the bulk of your mortal existence? It's hard to imagine, yet there are times that I have wanted to do just that. Just bury it and attempt to ignore it. Use it as the motivation to never repeat it again. Because, won't the guilt keep me back?

Well, the problem is that there is guilt, but the major emotion is shame, which is a very different thing. Shame is not the desire to change (godly sorrow) it is the desire to never be found out (worldly sorrow). In fact, on my trip to and from work I have been listening to The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by SIr Arthur Conan Doyle. Yesterdays was chapters 11 & 12, The Man with the Twisted Lip. WARNING, SPOILER ALERT. In it, there is a respectable man and his wife. The man has "business in the city", although his wife does not know what that is. In fact, he is a beggar. A beggar, who makes very good money, because of the way he dresses himself. Because of happenstance, his wife sees him when he is changing back into his respectable clothes. Not being able to bear the thought of his wife (and his children) knowing that he is a beggar by trade, he quickly slips into his costume again. When the police show up, he is arrested for murder, nobody realizing who he really is. When Sherlock Holmes finally exposes him, he is devastated by the shame and admits that he was willing to be hanged, rather than his loved ones finding out who he is.

What a perfect representation of shame that is. I remember times, when I thought about admitting my most recent relapse to my wife, only to resist. I would promise myself that it would never happen again, besides it wasn't all that bad. They had their clothes on, or at least most of them. Justifying it to myself just enough to allow me to hide it; however, addiction thrives in a vacuum. In secret, it rears its ugly head. Inevitably, I would fall again. And again. And again. Each time, it would get progressively worse, but each time I accepted the lies whispered in my ear.

It is better to bear the shame yourself, no matter the cost, than to have to expose your weakness. It will only hurt her more. What will others think?

That is actually one of the reasons I chose to have this blog public, with no pen name. It is one less layer I can hide behind. For me, it seemed like the better way to go. Maybe I am wrong, which time will show, but for now, I am comfortable with it.

I hope, that as I am honest with myself, with my wife and with the Lord, I will be able to overcome the shame. I hope, it will help me develop the godly sorrow I need, in order to change my life. I hope. I hope. I hope. I must remember though, that hope is an action verb, not some nebulous thing that inspires no change. Hope, leads to action, and to change. It leads to growth.

~Sean~

Progress is Slow

Well, I did it again. I didn't listen to my wife, when she told me no. I pushed the issue. After a little while, I was able to convince myself that I had just misunderstood. So, I asked again. Again, she said no. I use the term said very loosely. This was all done with non-verbal communication. Finally, I asked verbally. Again, the same answer. In the end, she felt that her opinion didn't matter, or that I thought I knew better than she did. I, on the other hand, went away feeling rejected, but mostly okay. Obviously, such behaviors do not engender the trust we are seeking to establish.

I have a tendency to do this. I do not accept the answer the first time, if it isn't what I want to hear. It reminds me of my kids. In fact, I can hear me telling them time and time again that if I say no the first time, subsequent requests will not yield different results. Now, I do the same thing and expect something other than frustration. Talk about insanity.

So, what is the moral. Take the answer. The first time. Maybe the other moral is to make sure I ask in such a way that there cannot be a doubt about whether she misunderstood the question or I the answer. That way, it is much more difficult to convince myself that I misunderstood. Not impossible, but more difficult. In the case where I still convince myself that I misunderstood, I need to defer to the first rule. Take the answer the first time.

~Sean~

Honesty Brings Freedom

As I get deeper into being honest. I am finding something that I did not think I would find. I am finding that honesty brings even more freedom than I thought it would. I had always heard about not having to remember which lies you have told and exactly how they were, but it goes beyond that. Let me share a little deeper.

In the past, I have not shared particulars about my addiction, nor my triggers (a term I didn't really understand until recently). I always thought it would just scar her and not really accomplish anything, besides just making her even more upset with me. Over the last couple of days, I have found that this is not the truth.

I think it comes back to what I wrote in my previous post. Does it hurt her or make her mad to see what deviant behavior I have indulged in? Definitely; however, it also lets her define that behavior, instead of anything she could possibly imagine. I always assumed that what she imagined wasn't as bad as the truth, and that may be true, but it seems good for her to know what it is.

It is good for me to, because now I do not have that dividing us. She knows. It makes it where I don't have to hide, anything. Including my emotions. I didn't think that was really happening, although I had known that I seemed rather robotic. Truth be told, I wasn't feeling a whole lot. Even when she would tell me about how hurt she was and how hurt she was that I wasn't feeling anything, it just didn't strike me very hard. I knew that it should, but it didn't. I just thought it was me being defensive. I now think otherwise. I think it was me just being dishonest in another way. My dishonesty, in not letting her know what had really happened, was causing me to disconnect. Disconnect from me and her both.

Yesterday, we were talking about my most recent relapse (in May), as well as other things (such as browser histories) and I actually felt emotions. It hurt to tell her things, knowing it would hurt her. But, that was okay. It was great to not be numbed. Even if the lack of numbness brought pain. Who'd have thunk it?

So now, as I go forward, I have more motivation to be truthful. The freedom of truth. The freedom of emotion. The freedom of mental and emotional intimacy. Does that freedom bring responsibility and pain? Yes. But like all freedoms, they are worth the cost.

~Sean~

How Honest?

As I go through this process, I find something about myself. I rationalize dishonesty very quickly. In the past, I have had times when I have decided that I will be more honest with my wife, or even completely honest. Pretty quickly, I start compromising and rationalizing said honesty. How do I rationalize honesty? That's a good question.

Like all problems, it starts small. In the past, I have not felt it necessary to tell my wife about all of my triggers. For instance, if I were triggered to lust after a woman at the grocery store, I would not have told her about that, because it didn't lead to any acting out. Then, if I got triggered by something else, say a music video with no nudity in it, do I really need to tell her about that? And so on.

This thinking degenerates very quickly, to the point where I have redefined the line that I need to tell her about.

So, going forward, I want to be completely honest. The problem is that I still have difficulty overcoming that safety provided by not. The safety is a fallacy of course, but one that I have been believing for a long time.

My wife showed me an article from the New York Times, about how the victims of long-standing lies (such as long-term infidelity) have an especially hard time recovering, because they begin second-guessing their whole life. Did things really happen the way they remember them, or was there some underlying lie, upon which their recollections are based. In my case, was I really feeling what she thought I did, or was I thinking about some pornographic media, or woman at the pool. I on the other hand, can remember how it really happened, because I know both sides of the story.

That is definitely something I never thought of. Sure, I knew lying was hurtful, but I never thought of it creating alternate realities, that must be reconciled. Now, my wife of 7 1/2 years finds herself looking back at the 8+ years of our relationship and wondering if any of it was really the way she remembers, or if all of it is tainted to one extent or another. And how deeply. I wish I could go through and tell her which parts were, but in truth, I cannot remember, at least not off hand. I might be able to recollect situations, if she asks, or if I think of them, but to do it in bulk would probably be nigh impossible.

So, I find myself thinking that the only way forward is just that. I can now work to be completely honest from now on. That is hard though, because I find myself recoiling from the ugliness of my addiction. I don't want to admit what I find. I have to though, because denial allows me to continue committing things I know to be wrong, without facing the full force of my conscience. Once I am fully admitting to myself, to The Lord and to my wife, I can begin to change those behaviors.

~Sean~

Clean Hands, Pure Heart

A few years ago now, my loving wife bought be a book titled Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip Harrison. This was before I was willing to admit I had an addiction. She, in trying to help me, had already seen what it was. To indulge her, and to try to stop my bad habit, I began reading it. I even did some of the writing, but like so many things in regard to my addiction, I didn't finish.

How sad this is now. Some five years later, I still have the same problem. In fact, I am deeper entrenched than I was then. I wish I had realized then just how bad it was. Sure, I read his story and wondered how he could let it go on so long, thirty-five years in his case, before doing something about it. Now, I look at my life and wonder the same thing. I remember hearing the stories, even the one in the book in question, and it giving me new resolve to overcome the issue. Not enough resolve to do what was necessary though and eventually the resolve would wear down. Abstinence would give way and I would be horrified by my actions again.

Before, I mentioned that I would be using writing prompts from The Addiction Recovery Program published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am going to continue doing so, but I am also going to use prompts from Clean Hands, Pure Heart. Why? Well, because I don't think that I am ready to move on. I have responded to all the prompts in Chapter 1: Honesty, but do not feel that I am ready to move on. I am still struggling with the honesty and still finding things I need to be more honest about. This is not the first time I have started the program and I got as far as Step 4 last time, but I think I moved to quickly. I am going to try to take it a little more slowly, but also deliberately this time.

So, prompts.

Write about your response to my story. If there were things to which you related, what were they? In what ways is your story different from mine?
I recognize the addictive cycle. Of course, I recognized it when I read it five years ago, although I was not as ready to admit it then. I also recognize the shame as a missionary who is struggling with a sexual addiction. On my mission, about midway through, I was having a really tough time controlling my thoughts. In Germany, where Philip Harrison also served, they have much less restraint in advertising. They were going through yet another bad cycle as we called them, where the advertisements were especially lewd. I remember going to my Mission President, because I was having problems controlling my thoughts. I gave me some good advice about hymns and prayers. I continued to do well after that, for a time.

The main difference between our stories is the time frame. I have not been at it as long, but that is only a matter of time, if I don't get the problem solved. If I do not get into recovery, and stay there, I don't think our stories will be all that different, in the long run. Thirty-five years seems like a long time, but then I have already been at it for eighteen.

Write a brief outline of your own story. When did you become aware of sex? Did you learn more from your parents or from your peers? How much of what you "learned" later turned out to be wrong? Have you adopted any sexual behaviors you might consider to be addictions?
Wow. Hard ones here. I first became aware of sex at around 8 years old. A family member introduced me, probably because of some abuse she had been exposed to, that I did not learn about until many years later. I remember it being a dirty little secret. I didn't tell anybody. In fact, until now, I don't know if I have even put it into writing before, because of the shame associated with it. I may have written it out when responding to writing prompts before though. I don't have those responses on hand now, so I cannot be sure.

I learned much more from my peers than parents. I think they wanted to keep it an open topic, but there was always a feeling of awkwardness around it. Most of it was false. I guess that is what you get when it is a bunch of kids that have no experience, beyond their own curiosity. I wish I had gone to my parents instead, as I would have gotten a lot more accurate information.

Yes. I do have sexual addictions. I have had problems with pornography for 18 years now. I have also struggled with an addiction to masturbation, although that has only been for the last four or so. I have also come to a realization lately, that I am willing to manipulate my loving wife, so that she helps me feed that need. I didn't realize that it was what it was, because I looked at it as a sexual relationship within marriage. Thus, it was okay. It has only been recently, as she is working on her own recovery from trauma, that I have realized how destructive that is. As she said, "What I have long feared has happened. I have become your drug." This using of her had gotten particularly bad in the last six months.

Smallest Desire

A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow. - Addiction Recovery Program

Over the weekend, my wife attended The Togetherness Project, a conference held in Sandy, UT, for women who have been affected by sexual addictions. I, spent the day on Temple Square. I went to the Salt Lake Temple, toured the Conference Center, saw the Tabernacle and many other things. It was a good day for me, although not as strengthening as I had hoped. It was a GREAT day for her. It wasn't until talking to her last night that I found out a very hard thing. Throughout the day, multiple women asked her whether her husband was in recovery and she had to respond, "No. He is still in denial." That was hard for me when she said it, because I thought I was doing better. It is true. I am practicing sobriety, but I am not actively in recovery.

I read in the manual. I write in this blog. I also talk to a select few about it. That is about it. Other than that, I have been doing the regular Sunday School answers: praying (at least saying prayers), reading scriptures (I wouldn't consider it studying, for the most part), going to church, etc. I hoped that would be enough. Why? Because, I don't want to go to group. Partially, because it is a blow to my pride. It was one thing to continue going when I was in the habit. It is another to pick it up again. Mainly, I don't look forward to this group. I know that addictions are addictions, whatever the drug of choice, but it is hard to be in a circle, where I feel like most wouldn't even consider it an addiction.

Still, those are excuses. In the end, My Queen is right. I am not IN recovery. I may be dabbling my toes, but I have not jumped in with both feet. I am willing to do some things, make some sacrifices, but I am not ready to do whatever it takes to recover. That is a very distinct difference. I must be willing to attend group regularly. I must also be willing to visit a shrink. I must be willing to do it at whatever cost.

I hate the idea that I may relapse again. That in so doing, I may follow many of the same patterns from before (hide it from my wife, lie about it, wait forever before I am willing to bring it to light). I hate that, despite it all, it is still tempting. Despite the pain it has caused me, my wife, could cause my children and other family members, it is still something that I could all too easily fall back into. I wish I could look at the bile and have no desire towards it ever again. But then, it wouldn't be an addiction then.

I remember times in the past, when I had relapsed (even if I didn't use that term then) and I needed to talk to the bishop about it. There was a long, agonizing build up to it, as I came to the point where the pain was great enough that I had to take the hard step. I don't think I am there yet. I want to be, but there is so much agony and work ahead that I do not think I am actually there. Until my spouse pointed that out, I had not realized it, but I do not think I am there yet. I must only take heart in the fact that as I work my desire will grow. I only hope it grows quickly enough to make a difference this time. I don't want to relapse, again.

Nothing

It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man; and he said unto himself: Now, for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed. - Moses 1:10

How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?
Moses describes himself as nothing. He doesn't even say something like not very great. That is pretty harsh.

How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents?
I think it is in reference to his current state. Despite all of the potential he has, currently, he is nothing. When a baby is born, it cannot even do some of the simplest things, but it still has the potential to be great.

In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God?
For one, I cannot even maintain abstinence. I do well for a while, but eventually the body wins over, because I let my guard down. Without God, I make many wrong choices, because of the short-sightedness of my mortal existence.

Also, without him, I could never be more.

In what ways are you of infinite worth?
My potential makes me of infinite worth. Through God and his son's Atonement, I have the ability to progress for eternity. Thus, centuries from now, I can look back at my strugglings here and see them much as I see the stumblings of a child today. The efforts of a very uncoordinated and failure prone child. I will see them as things that were necessary to make the progress I need, to learn my balance.

Write about how recognizing your helplessness to overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.
It's hard to see that eventuality now, though, when I am dealing with the frustrations and pains caused by my weaknesses today. I want it to be gone, now. It is not though, and I do not think that God wants to simply take it away from me. I need to learn and grow.

If I realize that I can't do it without him though, then I can stop relying on my own strength. My strength is inadequate. As long as I keep trying to do it on my own, I will always fall short. Sure, I might make it for a period of time, but I will not make it in the long run. I will always fall short of the glory of God. If I rely on the Lord, he will be able to catch me when I am about to fall. That can save me from a lot of bumps and bruises during the learning process.

I have tried multiple times to will my way out of the addiction. It never worked, just as a child cannot will themselves to walk. They must practice, as must I. Practice is what gets me closer to the end goal, though. Practice, is what helps me to rely on the Lord, because I know when I am about to fall and cannot make it any further on my own.

Trapped

I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.
My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh. - 2 Nephi 4:18–21

Today is answers to some writing prompts, found at the end of the first chapter.

Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?
I do sometimes. My wife and I were talking about the recovery journey last night and there is a long, hard road ahead of us. A long road, in order to overcome our weaknesses and heal. I wish that it could all just go away. Wouldn't it be nice to erase 8 years of pain. Instead, we get to learn and grow. But what a way to do it! I am going to be facing lifestyle changes for the rest of my life. That's depressing.

I feel trapped most often when I think about how long the road has been and how much longer there still is to go. I started when I was 12 years old, eighteen years ago. Now, I have many years ahead, possibly my whole life, as I seek to overcome the habits that were developed and the rewiring that happened in my brain over that time. In the meantime, I am only able to move forward slowly. I guess, the important part is she direction I am moving, not how fast.

What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave in to your addiction?
Stress makes it hard for me. Boredom. Solitude. Those seem to be the big ones. In times of stress, when alone and bored is the worst time. If I can avoid multiple of these, especially all at once, things will be much better. Now, there are going to be times when I can't and I will have to ensure that I am ready for those times

When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he place his trust? What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?
The Lord, his God. I need to listen for and heed the early warning signs. God always tries to warn me off before it happens. When I fail, it is because I ignore that prompting and tell myself that I can do it on my own. If I am more attentive to the Spirit's promptings, I can overcome it. I often think that just one image won't hurt, or just a bikini picture. Once I start though, I have a harder time listening to the Spirit than I did before. If I didn't the first time, I won't the second.

If I can learn to listen to the warnings and trust in the Lord early, then I will be stopping when it is easier to do so. I cannot stop later, so early is when I nee to.

Writing

The thought of writing may frighten you, but writing is a powerful tool for recovery. It will give you time to reflect; it will help you focus your thinking; it will help you see and understand the issues, thoughts, and behaviors surrounding your addiction. When you write, you will also have a record of your thoughts. As you progress through the steps, you will be able to measure your progress. For now, just be honest and sincere as you write your thoughts, feelings, and impressions. - Addiction Recovery Program

This time around, I am not having as hard of a time wanting to write. Does that mean I am doing perfectly at it? Of course not, but I do understand the importance of it. Writing helps me to process things, that might otherwise go unsaid and unexplored. If I do not explore it, I will not be able to figure out where my deficiencies are, or how I can learn to avoid them. So let's be honest.

My wife and I are having a hard time right now. It was mid-July (almost three months ago) that I first told her I my most recent relapse. Now, I was not very honest in that first encounter and not even as honest as I thought I was. My words did not convey the same to her as I meant them to mean. Still, after coming clean with her, it didn't seem to affect her too much; however, as time went by, the gravity of hurt and betrayal sunk in. Things got much worse for her.

That has been hard for me, as it feels like things are going backwards. I expected that time would begin to heal things, but it feels just the opposite to me. The longer the time period, and the more she works on her recovery, the worse things seem to get. In my head, I realize that this is an illusion, because the recovery is hard and reminds her of things she had repressed. But that is hard to convince myself of yet another long night.

One of the things that keeps coming up is my honesty, or more appropriately, my lack thereof. As much as I hate to rehash the issue, she is right. I have been much less than honest in the past. About pornography and masturbation. Also, about other things. For instance, I do not like to argue. I have also been taught for years that when I woman is venting, you just let her vent, because she doesn't want you to fix it. Because of this, I tend to be fairly silent in our discussions. I thought this was a good thing, as it allowed her to get stuff off her chest, but did not put me in the mentioned repairman spot.  Apparently, that is not good, because I am hiding my feelings from her, since not saying anything at all is better than saying something unpleasant.

So, now, I have (at least) two areas I need to work on. One: disclosing temptations and relapses. In this case, no news is not good news. I need to ensure that I am pro actively keeping her informed of how my day goes, instead of leaving her to infer and only letting her know when things are worse than normal. Two: speaking my thoughts, even when they are not nice, or even beneficial. This is going to be at least as hard, because I have learned to sensor my words, so that I am not continually adding fuel to the fire. This will need to change, allowing her to see how I truly feel. I am afraid that this is going to lead to even longer discussions, but also hope that they will be helpful in repairing our relationship.

~Sean~

A REAL Addiction

When attendance at a recovery meeting is possible, you will find it helpful for at least two reasons. First, at these meetings you will study specific gospel principles that, when applied, will help you change your behavior. President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve taught: “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1986, 20; or Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17). Second, these meetings are a place to gather with others seeking recovery and with those who have already taken this path and are living proof of its effectiveness. In recovery meetings you will find understanding, hope, and support. - Addiction Recovery Program

So, group huh. I have definitely been having different opinions about this. I have attended group in the past. Actually, before we moved, two and a half years ago, both my wife and I were attending group. Both because of my addiction. It was a great experience, because I could be there with others who suffered from pornography and masturbation addictions. That is where I was first introduced to the 12 step process and, for the most part, I even enjoyed going. Maybe because it was a place I didn't have to hide my weakness. On top of that, it was a place that gave me the strength I need to soldier on. I made some friends there as well. Not that we were ever bosom buddies, but friends nonetheless. My wife made some friends too, which was even more important for her, so she knew she wasn't alone.

Then we moved, and there is no longer such a group locally. I have to be specific. There is no sexual addiction recovery group. There is one for general addictions and I attended that for a while, when we first got here. It was still good to go over the doctrines associated with recovery, but it just wasn't the same. I felt different. With possibly one exception I can think of, the others were there for substance addiction: alcohol, tobacco and drugs. Now, I knew that my addiction was a true addiction and just as bad as any of theirs, but I felt like they would not see it that way. I was sure they would just wonder why I was even there. Thus, "Hi I am Sean, and I am a pornography and masturbation addict..." turned into "Hi, I am Sean, and I am an addict..." I was no longer the same as the others, so there just was not the same amount of support as there had been in the previous group.

After a while, I stopped going. Great idea! Now, I contemplate going back, but do not look forward to that outcast feeling that comes with having a very different drug of choice.

Would it be good for me? I'm sure that it would. Would it take up time in my week? Yes, but recovery takes time. It is the time that I need to put in to make it work. Am I ready? I don't know. I know that my wife wants me to be. She wants me to progress on the recovery and I am going to have a hard time doing so without the group support, but I still hesitate. I wish, they would put in a class specifically for sexual addictions. I know, that I am not the only person in this town (and surrounding area) of 4,000 that needs it. They also need to put in a spousal support group, because I know that my eternal companion needs it. I am sure others do too.

~ Sean ~

Pride vs. Honesty

Pride and honesty cannot coexist. Pride is an illusion and is an essential element of all addiction. - Addiction Recovery Program

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us. - Pres. Ezra Taft Benson

Pride is one of the major things that keeps me addicted. It is what keeps the Lord from taking this problem away from me. It is what keeps him from being able to help me. It is what keeps me from admitting that I need his help in the first place. I was memorizing Ether 12:27 the other day, where it says that with humility and faith the Lord can make weak things become strong. That is when I started wondering how I can develop humility. Well, according to the Addiction Recovery Program, this is a key:

As you become willing to abstain and admit the problems you face, your pride will gradually be replaced with humility.

So, as I work my way through recovery, it should happen. I sure hope so, because the idea of not humbling myself and having the Lord have to humble me is not a very inviting prospect.

Become Willing to Abstain

People say individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution. Have you come to that point? If you have not and you continue in your addiction, you surely will reach that point because addiction is a progressive problem. Like a degenerative disease, it eats at your ability to function normally. -Addiction Recovery Program-

The book then goes on to talk about how even the desire to abstain, is enough to begin the process. I do have the desire to abstain. In the past, I had enough desire to abstain, that I was able to practice sobriety for periods of time. In fact, my last stretch of sobriety lasted over two years. I fell again though. I acted out. I am actually not sure how much I like that phrase, but it seems to be the one in use. I feel that it does not put enough emphasis on the consequences of the actions, but maybe it is not as condemning either. Anyway, I am wandering.

I do have a desire to abstain, but that does not equal recovery. I have had many times in my past, where my revulsion at what I had done, and my desire to never hurt my wife like that again, led me to think that I would never fall into it again. The pain of the problem was greater than the pain of the solution. Over time, I lost that resolve and stopped doing the work. It took time, but it happened. I was not committed enough to do what was truly necessary, in the long run, to overcome the problem.

This is a problem I have suffered with throughout my life. During my Freshman year in high school, I started running Cross Country. I was horrible. Part of the problem was that I didn't really know how to go about running long distance. In my mind running meant sprinting. Thus, at the beginning of the race, I would run fast. No, I didn't sprint, but I kept up with those going for the gold. Shortly after, I found I could not keep up, because I was not fit enough to do so. This meant that I had to slow down, usually when I got a stitch in my side. I would then walk for a period of time, until the pain would lessen and I realized how far behind I was getting, or the crowd came into view. At this point, I would take off at a brisk pace again. Over the course of a 5k course, I would run and walk multiple times, always finishing strong. It did not even occur to me that the others knew I had not run that fast the whole time, what with my 35 min time.

What do I learn from this? I think I do the same thing today. Something wakes me up to how far behind I am, usually the requirement to tell my wife about my most recent bout of pornography consumption. Then, as I have not been honest with myself, her, or the Lord, I have to divulge a history of acting out. This leads to my wife justifiably feeling hurt and betrayed. I then talk to my bishop. Then, because of the pain required, and the abhorrence of my past actions, I begin a time of sobriety. The last time, we also started attending a pornography addiction recovery group where we lived. It was great.

Then time happened and apathy set in. We also moved, and we no longer have a local group for pornography addiction. There is still an addiction recovery group, but it is for general recovery, not sexual addictions specifically. As such, I feel out of place. I feel like others don't even see my problem as a true addiction, so I have a hard time going to it. So, I stopped. Things went well, for a year and a half. I had continued to study the 12 step process on my own for a while, after I stopped attending group, but eventually that had stopped. I had made through step 5 or 6. I don't remember for sure and don't want to go back and look it up right now.

I cannot help but think that it was wasted. Sure, I learned some good things, but it still happened again. Now, with a new resolve, I start over. If I continue at it, I can recover. If I am willing to do whatever it takes, I can overcome it. Those are some big if's though. For today, I just hope my desire to abstain is enough to start the process. If it is, and if I continue the necessary work, I can overcome this problem. With the Lord's help.

A Short Introduction

Hi. I am Sean, and I am a pornography and masturbation addict.

The purpose of this blog is two-fold. First, I need a recovery journal, someplace I can write about my struggles, as well as my triumphs. Second, I would like to help others, even if it is only in showing them that they are not alone. A blog seemed like a good place to do this. In order to accomplish the first objective (and by far the more important of the two), I have a caveat: in general, I am not going to go back and edit my posts before publishing them, as I feel that would be taking away from the honesty that appears on the screen. There may be some special ones, which I do go back and edit, but in general, they will be published just as they are written. At the same time, if I happen to notice glaring spelling (or possibly grammatical) errors either before or after the writing, I may edit them.

As such, this is not going to be amazing journalism (journalizing?) by any means, but I do hope that it can accomplish the above goals.

Another thing to mention, is that I have not hidden my identity. I thought about doing this, in order to remain anonymous, but have decided not to do so. That means, that I am putting myself at risk from my peers. As such, should you be one of those that knows me in real life, I ask that you suspend judgment. My addiction is something I am working on. Sometimes, things go well. Other times, not so well, but I hope that I am making progress. Pornography addiction is something that has been downplayed in culture, even in church culture, for a long time. As such, it is very misunderstood, by me as much as many others.

On the line of church culture, I am a Christian and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. As I go forward, I will be documenting my progress through the LDS Church's addiction recovery program. It is based on the 12 step process of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because of this, I may be posting scriptures or quotes from LDS church leaders as I find them relevant. These are to be things that are helpful in my recovery and I hope they can be helpful to others as well.

Lastly, I want to mention that I am moderating comments. Because of the sensitive and highly polarized subject at hand, I feel that this is necessary. This is to keep out the trolls, spam and other useless comments that may be posted. At the same time, I do not want to stop you from posting anything that might be useful to the healing process, for either you or me. Thus, if you will simply be courteous and considerate, I will approve said comments. I do ask that you not use profanity or vulgar references, as I do not feel that is conductive to inviting the Spirit of the Lord, who is very necessary for my recovery from this weakness.

Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts, pains and progresses with you.

~Sean~

The Villain

At the beginning, I want to let any readers know that this is one post that might get edited. I do this, because I want to ensure that I express myself well. That having been said, I do not expect this to be classical literature 100 years from now, so I will not be a perfectionist.

I enjoy reading, as well as writing. I also enjoy movies, radio dramas, plays and other media. Finally, I also enjoy role-playing games, both the playing and making of. A large part of all of these is storytelling. As such, I often think in regard to plot or character development. As I think about my problem, I see myself much more often cast as the villain, than as the hero, or even the budding hero. I am the one, who has an amazing, loving wife, but is caught up in some fantastical, sexual relationship outside of his marriage covenants. If it were a chick-flick (aka romantic comedy), I would probably be kicked out within the first five minutes, and the heroine would go on to find some other, amazing guy, who realized just how great she is and is ever faithful thereafter (once they get over their early loathing of one another). I, the schmuck husband, on the other hand, might show up halfway through the movie, begging her to come back, only to be socked by the new beau. After which, I would slink off, never to show his lowly face again.

As you read the above description, do not think that this is how I feel about myself. Don't get me wrong, some of those feelings show up here and there, but overall, I feel like I am a pretty good guy, who is having a hard time. On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if this is what people are going to see, when they hear about my addiction. If they were to hear that I had had an incident or two, there would not be such feelings, as everybody makes mistakes; however, to hear that I continue to come back to the problem, like a dog to his vomit, even though I know how unhealthy, and degrading doing so is, many opinions may change. I can understand this. When I see people making the same mistake over and over, and expecting a different result (insanity anyone?), I often feel the same way. Thus, maybe I need to learn not to judge, just as much as the next guy. There is a scripture, which I have been memorizing when tempting thoughts are crowding my mind, that is very helpful in this situation.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." -The Book of Mormon, Ether 12:27-

This reminds me of how little humility (and faith) I have, but also gives me some hope. When God sent me here to earth, he knew that this would be a trial for me. He knew that it would help me to grow, if I would let it do so. As such, he provided me with grace. Thus, as long as I worked hard and continued to repent, he would make up the difference. He would forgive me 490 times, as long as I truly repented and sought to better myself each time. That is very good, as I need a lot of forgiveness.

The last part is what I really look forward to though. "...then, I will make weak things become strong unto them." As I look back, there are times, when I have been fairly strong. I have felt like I might make it this time. There are other times, though, when I feel very differently. When I wonder if it will ever be taken away from me, if I will ever be able to recover. One day, who knows when that may be, I hope to be rid of this weakness. It may be years, centuries, or even millennia from now, but someday. I sure hope sooner, rather than later.

I guess, at this time, I am just glad that my wife is still willing to put up with me and not see me for the villain. Unlike the villain in a storybook, I am trying to overcome my weakness. I have not reached the point where it has won, because I am still willing to fight. Yes, the addiction has definitely won some battles, a lot of them. I hope, with Christ's help, to win the war though. I also hope, that millennia from now, when I look back at this problem, I will be able to do so with some embarrassment (much like I do when looking at some of the high school yearbook pictures), but also a knowledge that I have left that behind me and have grown because of it.

~Sean~