Honesty Brings Freedom

As I get deeper into being honest. I am finding something that I did not think I would find. I am finding that honesty brings even more freedom than I thought it would. I had always heard about not having to remember which lies you have told and exactly how they were, but it goes beyond that. Let me share a little deeper.

In the past, I have not shared particulars about my addiction, nor my triggers (a term I didn't really understand until recently). I always thought it would just scar her and not really accomplish anything, besides just making her even more upset with me. Over the last couple of days, I have found that this is not the truth.

I think it comes back to what I wrote in my previous post. Does it hurt her or make her mad to see what deviant behavior I have indulged in? Definitely; however, it also lets her define that behavior, instead of anything she could possibly imagine. I always assumed that what she imagined wasn't as bad as the truth, and that may be true, but it seems good for her to know what it is.

It is good for me to, because now I do not have that dividing us. She knows. It makes it where I don't have to hide, anything. Including my emotions. I didn't think that was really happening, although I had known that I seemed rather robotic. Truth be told, I wasn't feeling a whole lot. Even when she would tell me about how hurt she was and how hurt she was that I wasn't feeling anything, it just didn't strike me very hard. I knew that it should, but it didn't. I just thought it was me being defensive. I now think otherwise. I think it was me just being dishonest in another way. My dishonesty, in not letting her know what had really happened, was causing me to disconnect. Disconnect from me and her both.

Yesterday, we were talking about my most recent relapse (in May), as well as other things (such as browser histories) and I actually felt emotions. It hurt to tell her things, knowing it would hurt her. But, that was okay. It was great to not be numbed. Even if the lack of numbness brought pain. Who'd have thunk it?

So now, as I go forward, I have more motivation to be truthful. The freedom of truth. The freedom of emotion. The freedom of mental and emotional intimacy. Does that freedom bring responsibility and pain? Yes. But like all freedoms, they are worth the cost.

~Sean~