Writing

The thought of writing may frighten you, but writing is a powerful tool for recovery. It will give you time to reflect; it will help you focus your thinking; it will help you see and understand the issues, thoughts, and behaviors surrounding your addiction. When you write, you will also have a record of your thoughts. As you progress through the steps, you will be able to measure your progress. For now, just be honest and sincere as you write your thoughts, feelings, and impressions. - Addiction Recovery Program

This time around, I am not having as hard of a time wanting to write. Does that mean I am doing perfectly at it? Of course not, but I do understand the importance of it. Writing helps me to process things, that might otherwise go unsaid and unexplored. If I do not explore it, I will not be able to figure out where my deficiencies are, or how I can learn to avoid them. So let's be honest.

My wife and I are having a hard time right now. It was mid-July (almost three months ago) that I first told her I my most recent relapse. Now, I was not very honest in that first encounter and not even as honest as I thought I was. My words did not convey the same to her as I meant them to mean. Still, after coming clean with her, it didn't seem to affect her too much; however, as time went by, the gravity of hurt and betrayal sunk in. Things got much worse for her.

That has been hard for me, as it feels like things are going backwards. I expected that time would begin to heal things, but it feels just the opposite to me. The longer the time period, and the more she works on her recovery, the worse things seem to get. In my head, I realize that this is an illusion, because the recovery is hard and reminds her of things she had repressed. But that is hard to convince myself of yet another long night.

One of the things that keeps coming up is my honesty, or more appropriately, my lack thereof. As much as I hate to rehash the issue, she is right. I have been much less than honest in the past. About pornography and masturbation. Also, about other things. For instance, I do not like to argue. I have also been taught for years that when I woman is venting, you just let her vent, because she doesn't want you to fix it. Because of this, I tend to be fairly silent in our discussions. I thought this was a good thing, as it allowed her to get stuff off her chest, but did not put me in the mentioned repairman spot.  Apparently, that is not good, because I am hiding my feelings from her, since not saying anything at all is better than saying something unpleasant.

So, now, I have (at least) two areas I need to work on. One: disclosing temptations and relapses. In this case, no news is not good news. I need to ensure that I am pro actively keeping her informed of how my day goes, instead of leaving her to infer and only letting her know when things are worse than normal. Two: speaking my thoughts, even when they are not nice, or even beneficial. This is going to be at least as hard, because I have learned to sensor my words, so that I am not continually adding fuel to the fire. This will need to change, allowing her to see how I truly feel. I am afraid that this is going to lead to even longer discussions, but also hope that they will be helpful in repairing our relationship.

~Sean~