My wife and I had quite the spat yesterday. I was at work and sent her a chat asking how things were going. She said fine, then there was a little small talk back and forth. Then she asked something to the affect of, "Why do you bring up group when I want to do something on Tuesday night, but not when you do." I got very defensive and the conversation deteriorated from there. At lunch, when I called home, it continued. I was kind of able to get off work early (only kind of, because I got called back in shortly after I got home, because of some network problems) and things got a better talking in person. Now, I have to say that they got better than they were, not completely better. Talking in person makes a big difference though, much better than chatting or talking on the phone.
Now, as you can probably guess, the fight didn't happen in a vacuum. As you already know, if you have read any of the other posts, I have a sexual addiction, pornography and masturbation being my drugs of choice. My wife, is facing trauma because of that, a natural reaction to your spouse betraying you and looking for sexual fulfillment outside of your marriage covenants - on multiple occasions. As such, there is a lot of anger and hurt on her side (a lot more than on my side), and a lot of shame on my side, and a lot of fear on both. As can be guessed, this is not an ideal situation for marital bliss.
There was a time we never fought. In fact, going into marriage, I made it a point not to. I remember, as a kid, seeing my parents fight. I specifically remember one night thinking that they were getting a divorce for sure. I was probably 8 years old and I remember them coming in when they heard me crying in my bed. They asked what was wrong and when I told them that I was afraid they were getting divorced, they said that wouldn't happen. They didn't fight any more, that night, but the experience stuck with me. My wife, on the other hand, had parents that divorced when she was a teenager, and that has had its own traumatizing effects on her.
Well, between the combination of these, I was determined not to fight. As such, in general (although I am far from perfect), if something seemed like it was going to cause a fight, I just didn't say it. I probably got this from my dad, who I am pretty sure does this about constantly, in order to avoid the fights I heard as a child. So, for the first 8 years of our relationship, we haven't fought much. Oh, I have brooded and pouted and had all kinds of crappy emotions, but we have rarely fought. That has changed recently.
Through talking with my wife and working on my Addiction I have found that this is dishonest. I am being dishonest with myself as well as with her. Now, this is a hard pill to swallow, as I liked having a marriage that was mostly free of fights, even if that came because I was hiding information and emotions from my eternal companion. Well, in the last month, we have had more than a couple of spats. I still have a hard time voicing my feelings, especially my anger, if I think it is going to lead into another one. Like yesterday, when she first asked the question and my blood began to boil, at first I didn't answer. I continued to work on what I had been, or at least tried to. Then, I realized what I was doing. I was being dishonest about my emotions, about my anger. So I lashed back. It was hard and it went on for a while, until she ended with, "I didn't mean to fight with you at work. I will let you get back to what you were doing."
So, what did we argue about? Whether or not I am in recovery. I like to think that I am. I am trying to change. I am working on Step 1, being honest. On the other hand, I have yet to go to a support group meeting, which is where the argument stemmed from. The previous night, Tuesday, we had gone to The Saratov Approach. The first date we have had in a while and the first movie date in a looong while (we had a coupon that made it a free date). When she had suggested Tuseday night, I thought about letting her know that I was going to go to Group on Friday nights, but was dishonest and kept it to myself. Why? Because I thought one week would be okay. Because I wanted to see the movie. Because I wanted a date night. Because I have a hard time accepting that recovery is going to take time out of other things I would like to be doing. Because.
Well, that same night, before she got to the movies, she volunteered to help with a local theater production that is starting up, which meant she would be busy the next Tuesday night and I would be taking care of the kids. As she volunteered, I knew it would interfere, but didn't want to mention the problem in front of the outsiders. At some point that evening, after the movie I think, I mentioned the problem. She didn't say much, but the next day (as she was chatting with me), she realized the incongruity of the situation. That made here mad, which made me mad.
So, what does this all mean? I don't know. Maybe, it means I am not in recovery. Maybe, it means she is right. Maybe, it means I need to prioritize my recovery more. Maybe, it means recovery is harder than I would like to admit. Maybe.
I do know that I am tired. After two weeks in crisis mode, it is wearing on me. Today is a little better, but yesterday was bad. I have a 40 mile, 45 minute commute across the Navajo Reservation and I was fighting falling asleep. I managed to get to bed earlier last night though, so I hope to be less exhausted today. We'll see.
As far as good news, I did find a Support Group that looks promising. There are none in Blanding that focus on Sexual Addictions. They are all General Addicton Support Groups. This is one of the excuses I used when I quite going last time. I didn't feel like I was getting the support I needed. In Logan, it had been nice to be in a group of people that truly suffered the same as I did. It was also more supportive. Well, by going to the LDS Addiction Recovery site there is a page for finding Support Group Meetings. Apparently, there is a phone-based Pornography Addiction Support Group out of Snowflake, AZ. They meet Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday @ 7PM. Sundays @ 8PM, there is also a spouse meeting. A match made in heaven?
Or, am I just copping out? I don't know. I think I am going to give it a try this Sunday though, because I am not making it tomorrow night (with it being Halloween and all). That doesn't sound right, because I feel like I am claiming to have been going regularly. I have not been to Group in over a year, so this is a new start. A new start to a new life, although there will surely be bumps along the road. And that's the rest of the story.
No comments:
Post a Comment