Clean Hands, Pure Heart

A few years ago now, my loving wife bought be a book titled Clean Hands, Pure Heart by Philip Harrison. This was before I was willing to admit I had an addiction. She, in trying to help me, had already seen what it was. To indulge her, and to try to stop my bad habit, I began reading it. I even did some of the writing, but like so many things in regard to my addiction, I didn't finish.

How sad this is now. Some five years later, I still have the same problem. In fact, I am deeper entrenched than I was then. I wish I had realized then just how bad it was. Sure, I read his story and wondered how he could let it go on so long, thirty-five years in his case, before doing something about it. Now, I look at my life and wonder the same thing. I remember hearing the stories, even the one in the book in question, and it giving me new resolve to overcome the issue. Not enough resolve to do what was necessary though and eventually the resolve would wear down. Abstinence would give way and I would be horrified by my actions again.

Before, I mentioned that I would be using writing prompts from The Addiction Recovery Program published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am going to continue doing so, but I am also going to use prompts from Clean Hands, Pure Heart. Why? Well, because I don't think that I am ready to move on. I have responded to all the prompts in Chapter 1: Honesty, but do not feel that I am ready to move on. I am still struggling with the honesty and still finding things I need to be more honest about. This is not the first time I have started the program and I got as far as Step 4 last time, but I think I moved to quickly. I am going to try to take it a little more slowly, but also deliberately this time.

So, prompts.

Write about your response to my story. If there were things to which you related, what were they? In what ways is your story different from mine?
I recognize the addictive cycle. Of course, I recognized it when I read it five years ago, although I was not as ready to admit it then. I also recognize the shame as a missionary who is struggling with a sexual addiction. On my mission, about midway through, I was having a really tough time controlling my thoughts. In Germany, where Philip Harrison also served, they have much less restraint in advertising. They were going through yet another bad cycle as we called them, where the advertisements were especially lewd. I remember going to my Mission President, because I was having problems controlling my thoughts. I gave me some good advice about hymns and prayers. I continued to do well after that, for a time.

The main difference between our stories is the time frame. I have not been at it as long, but that is only a matter of time, if I don't get the problem solved. If I do not get into recovery, and stay there, I don't think our stories will be all that different, in the long run. Thirty-five years seems like a long time, but then I have already been at it for eighteen.

Write a brief outline of your own story. When did you become aware of sex? Did you learn more from your parents or from your peers? How much of what you "learned" later turned out to be wrong? Have you adopted any sexual behaviors you might consider to be addictions?
Wow. Hard ones here. I first became aware of sex at around 8 years old. A family member introduced me, probably because of some abuse she had been exposed to, that I did not learn about until many years later. I remember it being a dirty little secret. I didn't tell anybody. In fact, until now, I don't know if I have even put it into writing before, because of the shame associated with it. I may have written it out when responding to writing prompts before though. I don't have those responses on hand now, so I cannot be sure.

I learned much more from my peers than parents. I think they wanted to keep it an open topic, but there was always a feeling of awkwardness around it. Most of it was false. I guess that is what you get when it is a bunch of kids that have no experience, beyond their own curiosity. I wish I had gone to my parents instead, as I would have gotten a lot more accurate information.

Yes. I do have sexual addictions. I have had problems with pornography for 18 years now. I have also struggled with an addiction to masturbation, although that has only been for the last four or so. I have also come to a realization lately, that I am willing to manipulate my loving wife, so that she helps me feed that need. I didn't realize that it was what it was, because I looked at it as a sexual relationship within marriage. Thus, it was okay. It has only been recently, as she is working on her own recovery from trauma, that I have realized how destructive that is. As she said, "What I have long feared has happened. I have become your drug." This using of her had gotten particularly bad in the last six months.