Fig Leaves

And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked and I hid myself. -Genesis 3:10

That is exactly how I tend to act when I have acted out, if I have yet to confess. I hide from myself, from my wife and from the Lord. I am sure, that if it comes out this time, it will be too much. I won't be forgiven this time. Yes, I was able to last time, but that won't hold true for this one. It is just one time too many.

Just like Adam and Eve when in the garden, this is just a lie of Satan. If he can convince me to hide it for the rest of my life, he can stop (or at least slow) my mortal progression. Even if, I were never to repeat the sin, I would be seriously retarded in the speed of my learning and drawing unto my God. The truth is, I won't stop at the one time anyway, because now he has drawn me in and if I can hide once, I can hide it again.

I have heard stories of otherwise good saints, who have some dark sin early in their life, which they keep hidden until they are old, because they cannot bear to tell anyone. Then, finally, when they are old and near their graves, they confess it. Long before, they forsook the sin, but it took fifty years or more to confess. How would that be? Having that burden on you for the bulk of your mortal existence? It's hard to imagine, yet there are times that I have wanted to do just that. Just bury it and attempt to ignore it. Use it as the motivation to never repeat it again. Because, won't the guilt keep me back?

Well, the problem is that there is guilt, but the major emotion is shame, which is a very different thing. Shame is not the desire to change (godly sorrow) it is the desire to never be found out (worldly sorrow). In fact, on my trip to and from work I have been listening to The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by SIr Arthur Conan Doyle. Yesterdays was chapters 11 & 12, The Man with the Twisted Lip. WARNING, SPOILER ALERT. In it, there is a respectable man and his wife. The man has "business in the city", although his wife does not know what that is. In fact, he is a beggar. A beggar, who makes very good money, because of the way he dresses himself. Because of happenstance, his wife sees him when he is changing back into his respectable clothes. Not being able to bear the thought of his wife (and his children) knowing that he is a beggar by trade, he quickly slips into his costume again. When the police show up, he is arrested for murder, nobody realizing who he really is. When Sherlock Holmes finally exposes him, he is devastated by the shame and admits that he was willing to be hanged, rather than his loved ones finding out who he is.

What a perfect representation of shame that is. I remember times, when I thought about admitting my most recent relapse to my wife, only to resist. I would promise myself that it would never happen again, besides it wasn't all that bad. They had their clothes on, or at least most of them. Justifying it to myself just enough to allow me to hide it; however, addiction thrives in a vacuum. In secret, it rears its ugly head. Inevitably, I would fall again. And again. And again. Each time, it would get progressively worse, but each time I accepted the lies whispered in my ear.

It is better to bear the shame yourself, no matter the cost, than to have to expose your weakness. It will only hurt her more. What will others think?

That is actually one of the reasons I chose to have this blog public, with no pen name. It is one less layer I can hide behind. For me, it seemed like the better way to go. Maybe I am wrong, which time will show, but for now, I am comfortable with it.

I hope, that as I am honest with myself, with my wife and with the Lord, I will be able to overcome the shame. I hope, it will help me develop the godly sorrow I need, in order to change my life. I hope. I hope. I hope. I must remember though, that hope is an action verb, not some nebulous thing that inspires no change. Hope, leads to action, and to change. It leads to growth.

~Sean~