Smallest Desire

A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop. If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1. And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow. - Addiction Recovery Program

Over the weekend, my wife attended The Togetherness Project, a conference held in Sandy, UT, for women who have been affected by sexual addictions. I, spent the day on Temple Square. I went to the Salt Lake Temple, toured the Conference Center, saw the Tabernacle and many other things. It was a good day for me, although not as strengthening as I had hoped. It was a GREAT day for her. It wasn't until talking to her last night that I found out a very hard thing. Throughout the day, multiple women asked her whether her husband was in recovery and she had to respond, "No. He is still in denial." That was hard for me when she said it, because I thought I was doing better. It is true. I am practicing sobriety, but I am not actively in recovery.

I read in the manual. I write in this blog. I also talk to a select few about it. That is about it. Other than that, I have been doing the regular Sunday School answers: praying (at least saying prayers), reading scriptures (I wouldn't consider it studying, for the most part), going to church, etc. I hoped that would be enough. Why? Because, I don't want to go to group. Partially, because it is a blow to my pride. It was one thing to continue going when I was in the habit. It is another to pick it up again. Mainly, I don't look forward to this group. I know that addictions are addictions, whatever the drug of choice, but it is hard to be in a circle, where I feel like most wouldn't even consider it an addiction.

Still, those are excuses. In the end, My Queen is right. I am not IN recovery. I may be dabbling my toes, but I have not jumped in with both feet. I am willing to do some things, make some sacrifices, but I am not ready to do whatever it takes to recover. That is a very distinct difference. I must be willing to attend group regularly. I must also be willing to visit a shrink. I must be willing to do it at whatever cost.

I hate the idea that I may relapse again. That in so doing, I may follow many of the same patterns from before (hide it from my wife, lie about it, wait forever before I am willing to bring it to light). I hate that, despite it all, it is still tempting. Despite the pain it has caused me, my wife, could cause my children and other family members, it is still something that I could all too easily fall back into. I wish I could look at the bile and have no desire towards it ever again. But then, it wouldn't be an addiction then.

I remember times in the past, when I had relapsed (even if I didn't use that term then) and I needed to talk to the bishop about it. There was a long, agonizing build up to it, as I came to the point where the pain was great enough that I had to take the hard step. I don't think I am there yet. I want to be, but there is so much agony and work ahead that I do not think I am actually there. Until my spouse pointed that out, I had not realized it, but I do not think I am there yet. I must only take heart in the fact that as I work my desire will grow. I only hope it grows quickly enough to make a difference this time. I don't want to relapse, again.