Become Willing to Abstain

People say individuals finally become willing to abstain when the pain of the problem becomes worse than the pain of the solution. Have you come to that point? If you have not and you continue in your addiction, you surely will reach that point because addiction is a progressive problem. Like a degenerative disease, it eats at your ability to function normally. -Addiction Recovery Program-

The book then goes on to talk about how even the desire to abstain, is enough to begin the process. I do have the desire to abstain. In the past, I had enough desire to abstain, that I was able to practice sobriety for periods of time. In fact, my last stretch of sobriety lasted over two years. I fell again though. I acted out. I am actually not sure how much I like that phrase, but it seems to be the one in use. I feel that it does not put enough emphasis on the consequences of the actions, but maybe it is not as condemning either. Anyway, I am wandering.

I do have a desire to abstain, but that does not equal recovery. I have had many times in my past, where my revulsion at what I had done, and my desire to never hurt my wife like that again, led me to think that I would never fall into it again. The pain of the problem was greater than the pain of the solution. Over time, I lost that resolve and stopped doing the work. It took time, but it happened. I was not committed enough to do what was truly necessary, in the long run, to overcome the problem.

This is a problem I have suffered with throughout my life. During my Freshman year in high school, I started running Cross Country. I was horrible. Part of the problem was that I didn't really know how to go about running long distance. In my mind running meant sprinting. Thus, at the beginning of the race, I would run fast. No, I didn't sprint, but I kept up with those going for the gold. Shortly after, I found I could not keep up, because I was not fit enough to do so. This meant that I had to slow down, usually when I got a stitch in my side. I would then walk for a period of time, until the pain would lessen and I realized how far behind I was getting, or the crowd came into view. At this point, I would take off at a brisk pace again. Over the course of a 5k course, I would run and walk multiple times, always finishing strong. It did not even occur to me that the others knew I had not run that fast the whole time, what with my 35 min time.

What do I learn from this? I think I do the same thing today. Something wakes me up to how far behind I am, usually the requirement to tell my wife about my most recent bout of pornography consumption. Then, as I have not been honest with myself, her, or the Lord, I have to divulge a history of acting out. This leads to my wife justifiably feeling hurt and betrayed. I then talk to my bishop. Then, because of the pain required, and the abhorrence of my past actions, I begin a time of sobriety. The last time, we also started attending a pornography addiction recovery group where we lived. It was great.

Then time happened and apathy set in. We also moved, and we no longer have a local group for pornography addiction. There is still an addiction recovery group, but it is for general recovery, not sexual addictions specifically. As such, I feel out of place. I feel like others don't even see my problem as a true addiction, so I have a hard time going to it. So, I stopped. Things went well, for a year and a half. I had continued to study the 12 step process on my own for a while, after I stopped attending group, but eventually that had stopped. I had made through step 5 or 6. I don't remember for sure and don't want to go back and look it up right now.

I cannot help but think that it was wasted. Sure, I learned some good things, but it still happened again. Now, with a new resolve, I start over. If I continue at it, I can recover. If I am willing to do whatever it takes, I can overcome it. Those are some big if's though. For today, I just hope my desire to abstain is enough to start the process. If it is, and if I continue the necessary work, I can overcome this problem. With the Lord's help.