How Honest?

As I go through this process, I find something about myself. I rationalize dishonesty very quickly. In the past, I have had times when I have decided that I will be more honest with my wife, or even completely honest. Pretty quickly, I start compromising and rationalizing said honesty. How do I rationalize honesty? That's a good question.

Like all problems, it starts small. In the past, I have not felt it necessary to tell my wife about all of my triggers. For instance, if I were triggered to lust after a woman at the grocery store, I would not have told her about that, because it didn't lead to any acting out. Then, if I got triggered by something else, say a music video with no nudity in it, do I really need to tell her about that? And so on.

This thinking degenerates very quickly, to the point where I have redefined the line that I need to tell her about.

So, going forward, I want to be completely honest. The problem is that I still have difficulty overcoming that safety provided by not. The safety is a fallacy of course, but one that I have been believing for a long time.

My wife showed me an article from the New York Times, about how the victims of long-standing lies (such as long-term infidelity) have an especially hard time recovering, because they begin second-guessing their whole life. Did things really happen the way they remember them, or was there some underlying lie, upon which their recollections are based. In my case, was I really feeling what she thought I did, or was I thinking about some pornographic media, or woman at the pool. I on the other hand, can remember how it really happened, because I know both sides of the story.

That is definitely something I never thought of. Sure, I knew lying was hurtful, but I never thought of it creating alternate realities, that must be reconciled. Now, my wife of 7 1/2 years finds herself looking back at the 8+ years of our relationship and wondering if any of it was really the way she remembers, or if all of it is tainted to one extent or another. And how deeply. I wish I could go through and tell her which parts were, but in truth, I cannot remember, at least not off hand. I might be able to recollect situations, if she asks, or if I think of them, but to do it in bulk would probably be nigh impossible.

So, I find myself thinking that the only way forward is just that. I can now work to be completely honest from now on. That is hard though, because I find myself recoiling from the ugliness of my addiction. I don't want to admit what I find. I have to though, because denial allows me to continue committing things I know to be wrong, without facing the full force of my conscience. Once I am fully admitting to myself, to The Lord and to my wife, I can begin to change those behaviors.

~Sean~