The Villain

At the beginning, I want to let any readers know that this is one post that might get edited. I do this, because I want to ensure that I express myself well. That having been said, I do not expect this to be classical literature 100 years from now, so I will not be a perfectionist.

I enjoy reading, as well as writing. I also enjoy movies, radio dramas, plays and other media. Finally, I also enjoy role-playing games, both the playing and making of. A large part of all of these is storytelling. As such, I often think in regard to plot or character development. As I think about my problem, I see myself much more often cast as the villain, than as the hero, or even the budding hero. I am the one, who has an amazing, loving wife, but is caught up in some fantastical, sexual relationship outside of his marriage covenants. If it were a chick-flick (aka romantic comedy), I would probably be kicked out within the first five minutes, and the heroine would go on to find some other, amazing guy, who realized just how great she is and is ever faithful thereafter (once they get over their early loathing of one another). I, the schmuck husband, on the other hand, might show up halfway through the movie, begging her to come back, only to be socked by the new beau. After which, I would slink off, never to show his lowly face again.

As you read the above description, do not think that this is how I feel about myself. Don't get me wrong, some of those feelings show up here and there, but overall, I feel like I am a pretty good guy, who is having a hard time. On the other hand, I do sometimes wonder if this is what people are going to see, when they hear about my addiction. If they were to hear that I had had an incident or two, there would not be such feelings, as everybody makes mistakes; however, to hear that I continue to come back to the problem, like a dog to his vomit, even though I know how unhealthy, and degrading doing so is, many opinions may change. I can understand this. When I see people making the same mistake over and over, and expecting a different result (insanity anyone?), I often feel the same way. Thus, maybe I need to learn not to judge, just as much as the next guy. There is a scripture, which I have been memorizing when tempting thoughts are crowding my mind, that is very helpful in this situation.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." -The Book of Mormon, Ether 12:27-

This reminds me of how little humility (and faith) I have, but also gives me some hope. When God sent me here to earth, he knew that this would be a trial for me. He knew that it would help me to grow, if I would let it do so. As such, he provided me with grace. Thus, as long as I worked hard and continued to repent, he would make up the difference. He would forgive me 490 times, as long as I truly repented and sought to better myself each time. That is very good, as I need a lot of forgiveness.

The last part is what I really look forward to though. "...then, I will make weak things become strong unto them." As I look back, there are times, when I have been fairly strong. I have felt like I might make it this time. There are other times, though, when I feel very differently. When I wonder if it will ever be taken away from me, if I will ever be able to recover. One day, who knows when that may be, I hope to be rid of this weakness. It may be years, centuries, or even millennia from now, but someday. I sure hope sooner, rather than later.

I guess, at this time, I am just glad that my wife is still willing to put up with me and not see me for the villain. Unlike the villain in a storybook, I am trying to overcome my weakness. I have not reached the point where it has won, because I am still willing to fight. Yes, the addiction has definitely won some battles, a lot of them. I hope, with Christ's help, to win the war though. I also hope, that millennia from now, when I look back at this problem, I will be able to do so with some embarrassment (much like I do when looking at some of the high school yearbook pictures), but also a knowledge that I have left that behind me and have grown because of it.

~Sean~