The Choice to Begin Recovery

I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive. -Alma 7:23-

Step 3 is a choice. Recovery happens by God’s power, but only after you choose to seek His help. Your decision opens the channels for His power to flow into your life. Consider how humility, patience, gentleness, and so on are all choices. The last quality listed in the scripture is gratitude. How does gratitude help you be humble?
Gratitude is about recognizing that I cannot do it all myself. I must know that God steps in and helps and then acknowledging that help. As I recognize where and when he helps me, it shows me this presence and the love associated with it. I always think of the story (don't remember it very well), where the guy is praying for help because he is in grave danger. A wind, or similar comes along and sets things right, at which point he says, "Never mind, I took care of it myself." I am often that way. I ask for things, but do not recognize them for the blessings they are when they do come. However, with practice I will get better. This gratitude naturally fosters humility, because we come so see and be thankful for all God does in our lives.

What other qualities did Alma include in this list?
Humility, submissiveness, gentleness, ease of entreating, patience and long-suffering, temperance, diligence, willingness to ask, as well as the gratitude. That is a lot of different things.

Which of these qualities do you lack?
Humility, submissiveness, gentleness, long-suffering, temperance, willingness to ask. I think I only hit a couple. I know I am lacking the temperance. I tend to jump into things with two feet and forget everything else in the process. I am not willing to ask, at least not until things get really bad. I did not put patience down, although I have some, it could also use some work. I also need to work on the gentleness. I think I sometimes associate gentleness with weakness. Not always, but sometimes.

Which ones can you work on today? What can you do now to start?
I can work on gentleness and temperance. For gentleness, I can seek to connect with the children more, when they are having a rough time. I can seek to be empathetic with them, instead of hoping they will buck up. I think of last night, we my youngest bonked his head. He looked at me and I motioned him to come. He swallowed the tears and turned back to the show he was watching and continued to rub his head. That initial look was heart-broken though. On the one side, I am glad he was able to console himself, but I hope that doesn't mean he is already turning into me by swallowing his emotions.

Temperance can come when I limit how much time I devote to any one passion and make sure I take some time to incorporate others. For instance, writing in this blog helps me to focus outside myself and what I am obsessed with. Working on my wife's Christmas present helps with that to. If I seek to get outside of myself and what I am currently focusing on, it can help me have better temperance in all things. It can help me be more well-rounded.

Humbling Yourself Before God

He did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him. -Mosiah 29:20

What keeps you from crying mightily to God for deliverance according to His will?
I think a part of me wonders if he will. Am I really worth the effort to him? I'm not sure thought, because those feelings are not very strong. Only if I really think about it. Does that mean I am fabricating them? I don't know.

I do think that I am not ready to ask, because I have not yet done all that I can do. If I had done everything within my power, then I think I would feel better about asking, because then I would better deserve it. I would have put in my time, so I would be more worthy of the blessing. I would have better showed him that I really mean it, so he would be more likely to bless me accordingly.

This may actually be a flaw in our culture. Whether "our" means American or LDS, I am not sure, but in the society I live in self-sufficiency is a very highly valued attribute. As such, I strive very hard to be able to accomplish the things I need to without outside support. For instance, yesterday the whole family was home sick. My wife called the Primary President to let her know that she would not be there. The loving president asked if they could bring us some Chicken Noodle Soup. Now, in fairness, they are our neighbors and the husband happens to be our home teacher, but that does not in any way belittle their offer. My wife got off the phone and told me that they would be bringing over food. It wasn't until that night that she told me that it had been "kind of hard" to accept the offer. Her first inclination was to just turn the offer down. To her credit, she did not (and the meal was amazing, by the way).

I think that trait in our society, the self-sufficiency, is a great thing. If we cannot help ourselves and pull our own weight, how are we supposed to help others? On the other hand, I think it is often overvalued to the point of nobody being willing to ask for assistance, even when they really need it. Pride is definitely a part of that, but I think the societal norm adds to the stigma of asking for help. Maybe if I get over the pride, the other half won't be as bad either.

What has kept you from seeking this kind of deliverance in the past?
Pride. Pride has definitely kept me from asking for help I need, both within the addiction and without. In the example I just named, I think I would have just politely said no. I also have a hard time really asking for help from the Lord. Let me rephrase that. I ask for help, but not deliverance. The request, should I think to make it, is usually along the lines of, "Please help me to overcome this." I do not pray for deliverance, rather ask for help in overcoming it myself.

It reminds me of Nephi. I must give credit where it is due though, my trainer on my mission pointed this out to me, but it is sure great. Nephi and his brothers have gone back to Jerusalem to procure wives (no complaining about going back that time) and are headed back to the wilderness. His brothers started murmuring again and end up tying him up. He is there for a considerable time and he prays as follows:

But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in the, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound. -1 Nephi 7:17-

Now, to Nephi's credit, he does ask for deliverance (and it is granted), but he is also asking for strength to do it on his own. Or at least to appear so. The Lord has other plans.

And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet, and I stood before my brethren, and I spake unto them again. -1 Nephi 7:18-

Sometimes, I also have to let the Lord just deliver me. It is great when He can add to my own abilities to the point that I can accomplish it, but sometimes he just has to deliver me. Pure and simple. I have to be willing to accept that, as well as to ask for it. I also have to remember to do it.

In what ways can you learn to trust in God?
I think part of it is just practicing. I need to practice in moments when I am not struggling with the addiction. In moments when the decisions are easier, asking for help will help to recondition me to ask for it when things are not so easy. As we talked about in my last counseling session, I have a lot of conditioning toward the addiction. I need to practice in normal situations, so I will be able to do it in times of duress.

To humble yourself is a decisions you make. Satan may try to get you to believe that although God helped others, he won't help you because you are helpless and hopeless. Recognize this lie for what it is. In truth, you are a child of God. How can this knowledge help you humble yourself?
If I believe I am hopeless, then I also believe that God has lost hope in me. If I am a hopeless cause, then why would He help me anyway? It would just be a waste of His time. However, if I believe that I am a child of God it does two things. First, it makes me realize that I am not hopeless. That divine potential has a lot of worth. Even if I am in a really bad spot, the Lord can see that I have potential to be better and wants me to accomplish that. If I can see it, then I can feel like I am "worthy" of asking.

Second, it establishes His love for me. Yes, He abhors sin. The sin is not me, though. As His son, He is willing to look past that to help me. He cannot look past it in His judgment of whether I can have Eternal Life or not, but He can in whether He will assist. In fact, He is more than happy to look past my weaknesses and failings to lend a helping hand. If He does so, and I do my part, He won't have to pass that final judgment and that is a win-win situation.

Fasting and Prayer

They did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God. -Helaman 3:35-

This verse describes a people who yielded their hearts to God. How can fasting strengthen your ability to yield your heart to God and abstain from addiction?
Fasting is making a sacrifice to the Lord, as well as putting the will of God, and your desire to follow Him, above the needs of the flesh. The first part brings us blessings. As we sacrifice to the Lord, He will bless us in the ways we need. Blessings can always be helpful. The second part is important too. The addiction is my body and its perceived needs overcoming my spirit. When my spirit overcomes the flesh (as it is supposed to learn to do in this life), it gets stronger and does it more easily the next time. Fasting is practicing just that. Plus, fasting gives me a chance to think about why I need the help, as well as to pray for it. Every time I think of being hungry, it can remind me what I am seeking in the process.

Consider the importance of praying in the moment of temptation, and write about how prayer will strengthen your humility and your faith in Christ.
Praying in the moment is not something I have been good about practicing. It is something I am working on though and that I do employ, when I think about it. I hope that as time goes on and I think about, and employ, it more often, it will come to mind more often. The times that I have used prayer have been very helpful. Humming hymns and similar were helpful at one time, but that has petered off. I believe it is because they are a static defense, that my body can learn to do without much interference from the mind. Prayer, real prayer, is not that way. It takes concerted mental effort to truly pray, plus the act of prayer invites the Holy Spirit to be present.

How strong is your willingness to yield your heart to God instead of yielding to addiction in the moment of temptation?
I hope it is strong enough. Right now, I think it is fairly strong. I do know that it is not always that way. I need to keep it there though. That willingness is what is going to let me pray, instead of pursuing the destructive cycle. I like to think that I will stay willing. I think that is part of the importance of doing recovery daily, so that I can keep my heart in the right place.

Submitting to the Will of God

The burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. -Mosiah 24:15-
 
The Lord could have removed the burdens of Alma and his people; instead, He strengthened them to bear “their burdens with ease.” Notice that they did not complain but submitted cheerfully and patiently to the will of the Lord. Write about the humility it takes to want immediate relief and yet be willing to have a burden lightened gradually.
That would be really hard. I have a friend, who is facing some health trials and has been for the last year. It is so bad that he cannot really go to work. I puts in just enough time each month to stay licensed, but it wears him out for a couple of days afterwards. He is a marathon runner, although he is unable to pursue his passion, because of this chronic illness. Despite a multiplicity of tests, the doctors still have no idea what is wrong, yet he stays optimistic. Could the Lord have removed it from him? Yes. I am sure he has had multiple priesthood blessings over the last year and I feel that he has the faith necessary for the Lord to heal him, but it has not happened.

What humility! On both accounts. It is one thing for me to believe that God has put me where I am today, or better said placed me with the family He did and in the location, because it is the best possible chance for me to return to live with Him. It is another thing to turn to Him whenever I am having a hard time or need support. I struggle with this step currently, as I always want to do it on my own. Then, it is even another level to not lose hope when the desired relief is not forthcoming. When God tells me that I am better where I am and that I need o go with it, I do not feel grateful. Now, I may do it, but it is with a grudging attitude, which doesn't help me very much. It may still help others, depending on what they need, but I don't get the same blessings as if I had done it voluntarily. Yeah, that humility thing needs some work.

What does it mean to submit to God? How do you submit?
Well, I think it means accepting that what God has in plan for me is the best thing that can happen. Other plans I have, while possibly noble and worthwhile, are not as good. Submitting also means understanding that His will is different from mine. If I do not seek out His will and then accept it, I am just letting things happen. I should no assume that just because it happened, it is what the Lord wanted. Sometimes things just happen. Instead, I need to actively find out what He wants with/from me. Then, if it is contrary to what I want for me, I have to submit, or allow His will to have precedence over my own. Without that knowledge and decision, it is not submission.

To submit, I have to place His will above my own. When I find out that His will is different, I have to make the decision to follow His desired path instead. Then, I have to actually do it. Half-hearted effort doesn't count either. To truly submit to the Lords will, I need to go at it with gusto. As it says, they did submit cheerfully. If I am doing something cheerfully, I don't half-heartedly go about the task. I tackle it head-on, finding ways to do it more efficiently and effectively. I have things I like to do, hobbies is a good word. When I am engrossed in a hobby, I take to it with gusto. I spend every spare minute (I can) researching, or developing the hobby at hand. That is how I need to be. I want to be healed, but if it is my duty to carry this the rest of my life (which is what will happen with an addiction without miraculous healing), I need to accept that and work at it full force.

How do you feel about submitting willingly and with patience to the Lord’s timetable of change?
I'm doing better. I still have a ways to go, but I think I am doing better. My wife can tell you that it wasn't too long ago I was saying, "I never want to relapse." Now, I still don't want to slip-up. It is still something very scary and I wonder how bad it will be next time, but I am now working on putting a plan in place. I also know that it will probably happen again. (That was still hard to write.) The important part is that I still move in the right direction. So, I think the patience is coming better.

The Lord's timetable could still be hard. I don't like the idea of being held back from progressing, even by my Heavenly Father. I do have to remember that if He is holding me back, it is for my benefit. Maybe I am rushing forward too quickly and not really recovering, or maybe it is for somebody else's benefit. I don't know. I just need to work on coming to accept that whatever rate He allows me to progress is the rate that is best for me. Period. End of story.

How can you gain the courage to keep trying until you are free of your burdens?
I think courage is going to come with knowledge and trust in God's plan, especially his plan for me. As my knowledge in the gospel, especially the principles applicable to addiction recovery, I will better come to realize that His will and plan really is best for me. Knowledge leads to strength. I have written previously that I believe the fear of the unknown to be one of my greatest and most debilitating of fears. As I reduce the unknown, I am better able to overcome it.

Now, I also understand that courage is not about a lack of fear. It is about facing the fear, even though it is there. Sadly, I think that fear is often portrayed as ignoring the fear. I think that is a way to overcome fear, but I think that is not courage. Courage is recognizing and accepting the fear, but going ahead and doing the thing anyway. As such, in order to have the courage to keep trying, I need to realize what fears I am facing, come to realize that they may not go away (although they could if the Lord knew it was best for me), and go forth with faith anyway.

As I go forward cheerfully, full of faith and courage, the Lord will lighten my burdens, even if he doesn't take them away. Just like the pioneers, who had to make the journey, but received help along the way. Now, this may seem silly, but I see no reason the Lord could not have transported them to the Salt Lake Valley, should He have chose to do so. He didn't though. Instead, He helped them bear up their burdens, so they could accomplish the task. He can do that for me too.

Counseling

So, I went to my first session of counseling yesterday. One of the first things she asked is if I have ever been before, to which I said "no". I also told her that the only thing I knew I had seen places like What About Bob. She laughed and said that it would be nothing like that.

To begin with, we went over my history (briefly), then we started talking about what counseling was for (giving me skills) and what addiction is. We talked about it no being a bad habit, but a sickness. Brain damage. Whenever I think of that, I think of Bill Cosby, but I digress. We also talked about emotions and the expressing of them and how I am a volcano waiting to explode, if I don't.

Overall, the session was great. Of course, as I expected, I got homework. Three things.

1. Find a sponsor
2. Develop a Relapse Protection Plan
3. Journal my feelings

The first one is going to be hard. I would like to get one who has dealt with sexual addiction. My therapist also said that would be useful. The problem is that I have only begun attending an addiction support group again, and it is a General Addiction Support Group at that. I am the only one there that is a sexual addict. I have not yet gone to the one I plan to attend on Tuesday nights, but I would guess it would be the same way there. So, I am going to have to use other sources. This is one of those. If anybody has any ideas, please comment below, or you can email me at ishmobile at gmail dot com.

The second one is one that I had not heard of before. Maybe you have, but here are the main elements she said need to be in there. First, it needs to include how I will voice the slip-up/relapse. Second, it needs to say what I need from my support person (my wife, my sponsor or my therapist). Third, it needs to talk about how we (my support person and I) will go about learning from the experience. I need to make three, one for my wife, one for my therapist and one for my sponsor. We are going to work on the last two next Friday, but I need to get the one done for my wife and start on the one for my therapist.

The third one seems to me like it is going to be the easiest of the three, but I may find that it is not. I am not very good at journaling in general and am not very good at writing my feelings, but we'll see. She did say I could use this blog for that, if I want, but I do not know if that is as useful, as this isn't something I can write in all the time. I will have to think about it a little more, but I think it is going to be a paper journal.

Anyway, it wasn't near as scary as I thought. Of course, I am realizing that I suffer from a lot more anxiety than I originally thought. Fear of the unknown is the worst and this falls under that category.

Random Stuff

So, a few things happened yesterday. I also learned a few things too. Where to start?

I attended a support group last night. Let me clarify. Almost four weeks ago now I attended the first support group I had in 2 1/2 years and the first PASG group in three. In the little town of Blanding, there is no PASG. All they have are a couple of General Addiction Support Groups. Four weeks ago, I learned there is a call-in group I could attend. It is based out of Snowflake, Arizona and makes use of a service called Meeting Place to allow people like me, who are so far from anywhere, to attend something they would not otherwise be able to do. It was great.

Well, in the three weeks since then, as I tried to attend, it hasn't worked. I have been unable to call in. It was a bummer. As such, I have decided to avoid the local general groups and the call-in PASG group is a bonus. And groups is not a mistype. There are two here, one Tuesday and one Thursday and I have decided to strive for both. I do realize that things will come up and that I won't always get to attend both, but I will try.

Secondly, I am going to my first professional counseling session today. I got a hold of the therapist yesterday, which was much easier than I could have been, since they work at the same clinic I do, and setup an appointment for today. Talk about a hard email. I definitely have some anxiety, but take comfort in the hope that it will be a good thing. The only possible problem is that it is the same therapist my wife is going to (as of last week), so we hope there will be no conflict of interests. If there is, I can always go to a different one. Time will tell.

Thirdly, I didn't have to sleep on the couch last night. My wife felt safe enough that I could sleep next to her. This is the first time since my relapse on Saturday night (which I will also address shortly). It was great to know that, at least last night, there was enough trust for that to happen. We shall see how things go in the future and if I mess them up again, but last night was better than they have been for the last few days.

Fourthly, I learned that what happened Saturday night was a slip up, not a relapse. I am still learning the terms, but last night as my wife and I were talking about what she has learned in her recovery, she read some stuff from the Healing Through Christ manual. It talked about a slip up being a mistake that was immediately followed by a return to recovery, whereas a relapse is an abandonment of recovery and returning to previous behaviors. So, I guess I need to not refer to it as a relapse. Not to minimize what I did, but to define it so that both others and I can understand what is going on better.

Anyway, I feel better today than I did yesterday morning. I hope that trend continues.

~Sean~

In Harmony with the Will of God

Reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. -2 Nephi 10:24

Consider what it means to live your life in harmony with the will of God. Think about how His enabling power can come into your life as you turn to Him. How do you feel about letting God direct your life?
In theory, I think it is a great idea. He has more knowledge and foresight than I do, so why wouldn't I want him to? In reality though, it is a lot harder than that. I like having my autonomy. Don't get me wrong, in most things I try to choose in harmony with his commandments anyway. In fact, the biggest place I don't is in my addiction. I continue and study, to try to get all of my actions in better harmony. Even things like my parenting practices, although I have a long way to go there.

I guess there is nothing that should keep me from letting him. I also know (in my head) that as I sacrifice my will to him, I actually get more agency. I guess I need to put that into practice, so I can get a testimony of it.

What prevents you from allowing Him to direct your life?
The freedom I have. Which is silly, because my addiction takes away a lot more of my agency than God ever would. Still, I am not very good at following promptings. There was a time I was better, but I tend to think they are just my own thoughts and do a pretty good job at ignoring them. I also need to write down and review the inspirations I receive in meetings. I do write down things I get from conference, but I rarely go back to review them to see what I can get from them to implement into my daily life.

I also need to set some specific goals that will help me to remember to seek his will in my life. Maybe it can be something like praying every hour, which time period I decrease later to work toward a goal of "praying always." In that prayer, I could seek his will, because it is hard to let him direct my life, if I don't know what his will is for me. I will have to look at it some more today, although I am out of time for right now.

~Sean~

Sacrament Covenants

Attend sacrament meeting; review and renew baptismal covenants

At first, when I read this action step, I kind of glanced over it, because I am already allowed to partake of the sacrament. Then, this morning, I read back over it and picked out a bit I had not before: As you worship, listen carefully to the sacrament prayers and consider the gifts that Heavenly Father offers you. It's interesting that it didn't stand out on the first pass. I say "first pass" liberally, since this isn't my first time going through this step. Still, this time, it didn't stand out the first time through.

I do better at this sometimes, but often I just get into taking the sacrament because that is what I do. I try to think of Christ, but that is as far as I take it. I need to work on thinking about Christ and his Atonement, as well as the reasons I need it so badly in my life. I know everybody makes mistakes and needs the Atonement, but I need it too.

I need to get forgiveness for my mistakes. Sadly, this is a place where I often don't employ it. Yeah, I think about it for the big things, like when I relapse, but often fail to think about it for the "little" mistakes I make. I do them often. I get mad at (and yell at) the kids. I waste time at work. I talk badly about others and their choices. The list goes on. I rarely think about these things when it comes to repentance though. Maybe, it is because they seem so small compared to a sexual addiction that I don't think about them. I wonder though, if I repent of the little things, will it help we stay clear of the big things.

I also need the Atonement for the strength to get through the day. Sadly, especially as I look through the list of things in the previous paragraph, I need the Atonement a lot more here. If I turn to it, as I should, it will give me the strength I need to overcome the triggers in the moment. That means I won't have to go back and repent of it after the fact. That is a lot more effective and proactive way to use the Atonement, if I will just get used to using it that way. That is a much better habit.

~Sean~

Trust in God

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. -Serenity Prayer, Reinhold Neibur-

I have decided, despite my recent relapse, to go ahead and move onto Step 3. I think it is important to realize that it is not like I am abandoning the things I learned in the first two steps. Instead, I am just adding more to the mix. Which is a little overwhelming. I read a blog post recently, where it talked about a man in recovery, who went to group daily and saw a therapist every week. A thought I had was that I have no idea how he fit all of that in. I try to contain my work load within 40 hours a week and commute 45min. each way many days. I also get up at about five (more like 5:15) in the mornings, so I can work on my recovery. Still, I don't have a whole lot of time to get the things I need done (like split the mountain of wood that I feel like I am only whittling away at).

Now, the man, who was spending so much time, actually gave up in the end. He divorced his wife and went on to embrace the addiction, partially because of some faulty advice from a therapist. I also think it was overwhelming in the end. Which is why I think trusting in God is an important step.

I want to do everything myself. I hate asking for help. The only person I can ask for help from on a regular basis is my dad and I often feel like I am wearing him out. Instead, I want to be self-sufficient. I am an able-bodied man, who has the training and ability to take care of his family. As such, I don't feel like I need to ask for help from others. As Red Fraggle says: "I can do it on my own."

Sadly, as I have proved time and time again, I cannot overcome this addiction on my own. I just can't. I can be sober for a while, but I cannot recover. Now, I just need to learn to differentiate what I can do and what I cannot.  In Step 3, it says: "although you cannot control the choices and actions of others, you can decide how you will act in each situation you face." Later it says, "You may not be able to change some things in your life, but you can change your willingness to trust in God and obey him."

I can control the situations I put myself in, even if I cannot always control what happens there. I can control where I go online, even if I cannot control what advertisements are shown in the sidebar. I can control what I do if triggering ads appear. etc.

I can also think of scenarios and decide what I will do. I remember when I was younger, getting told to decide then what would happen if I was offered cigarettes or alcohol. I did. When the time came and I was offered a beer, I said, "No." He tried to tell me that it was okay. That nobody cared that I was underage and I stuck to my guns. I wasn't rude, but I told him that I didn't want any. He never offered again. Later, there were other opportunities and I held to my standards.

I need to do what I can in that arena, when it comes to pornography. It can help; however, I also need to realize that I cannot think of everything. I will miss some. I will have to rely on the Lord. Also, there are going to be times that I am tempted when I am weak. Thus, I need to turn to the Lord. I remember reading that singing a Hymn (or humming or thinking of the words) is not always a good choice,  because it looses effectiveness and can even become a trigger over time. A heartfelt prayer on the other hand, is a great coping mechanism. If I am truly communicating with my Heavenly Father and turning my will over to him, it will help me get out of the sticky situation. As I turn my will over to his, he will help me out.

~Sean~

Clearing Counters

I relapsed the night before last.

Man, how hard is that to type? I had been doing so well, or so I thought. My last date of reckoning was June 19th, which gave me 5 months. 23 weeks. 163 days. (No, that is not 5 months, twenty-three weeks and 163 days summed).

Today? 0 months. 0 weeks. 1 day.

I've known that relapse is a possibility and that many people do so during recovery, but I had hoped I was done. Relapsing is not recovery. It is actually stepping away from recovery. If I step back in, I can begin again, but it is not necessary to relapse to recover.

In the process, I hurt my wife and destroyed her trust again. Again! I keep wondering how much I can hurt her before she decides it is too much. And neither of us knows.

Anyway, I am working to pick up the pieces now and continue the recovery.

~Sean~

Talks are Good! I think.

So, my wife and I are trying to be more honest. Really, I am the one having to make the big changes in this realm (no surprise there), but she is working on it too. Now, when I say "more honest," I mean it. We are trying to tell each other everything. This might seem self-explanatory, but it's not. In fact, on two different occasions yesterday, when I talked with people (one in a Sunday School comment and once mano e mano), others commented about that not being the best coarse of action. Now, in the Sunday School case, I did lead off with the famed "Do these pants make my butt look big?" question, but I feel the principle is the same. Why do I think that?

In short, I didn't used to. For the first seven years of our marriage we didn't argue much. In fact, I would say that we only did on a couple of occasions. Part of this was due to the fact that I didn't want to. I am not trying to say that my wife did want to, but I really didn't want to. Thus, except for rare occasions, if what I wanted to say might cause an escalation of the conversation, I just didn't say it. This was good, I thought, as it kept the situation from getting worse. What actually happened, was that we would have "conversations," where I went much of the time without saying anything. My wife, ended up talking to a brick wall. Needless to say, that wasn't very effective communication.

Now, I didn't realize this, until she pointed it out one night. We were "discussing" our recoveries and I was disagreeing with something, but not expressing said disagreement. After my loving wife pointed out the problem, I let her know what I was bottling up. Now, I do filter out things that are vindictive, or that I am just saying because I am mad, if they are untrue, because that doesn't hep the being truthful part. On the other hand, there are things I say that make the situation worse. That's okay though (I think), as long as I am being truthful.

Does that mean I have to say everything that comes to mind? No. If it isn't true, it doesn't have to be shared.

What does this mean for us? If my wife asked the above question, I would have to answer truthfully. She asked. She must want to know. If she doesn't want to know, she had better not ask. Same goes for food.

What I am learning, is that I have a really hard time admitting I am angry. I think I have an aversion to the word. I will admit I am frustrated, hurt or embarrassed, but no angry. I am working on that though, because I am coming to realize that I am angry with her a lot more often than I thought. Admitting it, allows me to work on the problem though. It allows me to see why.

The bad part is that this new found honesty is leading to a lot of late night discussions. Conversations where we end up feeling mad or hurt. Conversations, where disagreements I would like to avoid take place. That is where I find myself wondering if it is a good thing. I just have to trust that it is.

~Sean~

Next Step

So, I am facing an interesting dilemma. When do I know that I am ready to go onto the next step in recovery. Right now, I would say that I am on Step 2: Hope, but I find myself wondering if I am ready to go on. I have worked through all the questions in the chapter. I have made some good progress. I think I am ready.

The problem is that I don't want to go through it too quickly. I don't want to end up doing it superficially. If I do, it will not be enough. It will not bring about the change of heart needed to overcome the addiction fully.

On the other hand, I don't want to drag it out. I don't think artificially stalling the recovery has any merit of its own. It just slows things down. If I am ready to move on, I need to do so, instead of waiting for no apparent reason.

I guess it's going to take a little more soul searching and some prayer, but I do think I am there. Don't be surprised if you start seeing posts about Step 3: Trust in God.

~Sean~

Modesty

My family and I went to a play last night. It was a local High School's production, which was very enjoyable for all. The boys were much more interested than I thought they would be and were not all that difficult to keep under reign. Read: we mostly got to pay attention, without embarrassing interruptions from the boys. The directors had done a good job instructing the kids and they seemed to be genuinely having fun. Overall, a great time.

But... A few of the characters had costumes that were more revealing than they needed to be. That meant, every time that character came on stage, or sometimes while they were still on stage, I had to do a mental check of my thoughts. Now, it wasn't too bad. Overall, I am in a pretty good place right now, so it wasn't as hard to do as it sometimes would have been. On the other hand, what if I were not in such a place right now? How hard would it have been? Would I have been able to cope with the triggering aspect? What would I have done? Would I have walked out on a high school performance? Would I have simply allowed my eyes to wander?

This brings me back to the subject of modesty. I often read articles about how our culture (both society at large, as well as the LDS culture) shames the female body. To some extent, they are right. In different cultures, they have very different standards of modesty (from next to no clothing to covered from head to toe). Does that mean that the problem of lustful thinking goes away, or is any worse? No. I don't think it does. Men in those cultures, who also suffer from tendencies toward lustful thinking find their parallels. It doesn't go away because of some clothing.

So why am I harping on the costumes? Because it did make it difficult for me. As one, who is struggling to recover from an addiction primarily to lustful thinking, but which leads to pornography and masturbation, it makes it more difficult. Does that mean that I feel that all women should cater to my needs and dress in head to toe padded suits, so as to hide anything that might be tempting? No! It does make it hard though. Often, I have to focus on why I am doing it. In the case of last night, by focusing on the story, characters, etc., I was able to stop the thoughts. I can cope with the problem, at least to an extent. I hope that as I continue recovery, that "extent" will grow and I will be able to cope with more.

As a help, when viewing media, I often ask myself two questions. What are they trying to accomplish? Why am I consuming the media? The second one is far more often the one I think about, but the former also has some application. If I am viewing media that could be triggering, which can be MANY things, I ask myself why I am viewing it. Now, truthfully, I could lie to myself. Much as I have done in the past, so this question takes an awful lot of honesty. As such, it has not always worked in the past, but it is a good place to start. Am I consuming the media because of the chance of getting some satiation for my addiction? Or, am I viewing it because it is presenting useful, or otherwise interesting information? If I am viewing it because it feeds the addiction, I have to stop. Often, that also means I have to turn off media all together. At that point, it is all to easy to continue the ritualization and proceed to acting out. Then again, maybe that is already acting out.

Last night, I was there to enjoy a high school production. That was it. As long as I kept my thoughts, and eyes, in check, that is where it stayed. I could enjoy the production for what it was. Had that changed, I would have had to make some changes, either to my thought process, or to the media I was consuming.

The second question is about the motives of the media. There is some media, whose sole purpose is to trigger me (and others like me). This is what is commonly referred to as pornography. There is no way I could watch it, at least for very long, and keep my thoughts clean. There is nothing else to get out of it. As such, I definitely have to stay away from that media. Sadly, that media can be found in many places. Many movies, which otherwise have much to offer, throw in scenes here and there, whose sole purpose is to present the sensuality. Sure, they may think (or claim) they are trying to present something else, but at least that part is designed for that purpose. From such, stay away.

Sadly, if I only had to be triggered by the second kind, life would be much easier. If I were only triggered when people are trying to trigger me, I could learn to stay away from those situations. That is not the case though. I can be triggered other places too. I do not think that the director of this play was trying to sexualize the characters. In fact, as my wife said (and I agree), one particular costume was very cute. It fit the character well; however, it was also the most triggering one. Had they spent a little more time (and been of a mindset to do so), they could have come up with another costume that was equally fitting, but less provoking. I don't use the word provocative, because I don't think they were intentionally eliciting those thoughts. It did, nonetheless, provoke such thoughts, which caused me to focus to control. I only hope, that as I go forward, I can have honest answers to the questions and be in a good enough place to take appropriate actions.

~Sean~

Internilized Shame

I read a post by Harriet S last night about internalized shame. I guess this kind of show my state of knowledge about addiction, or rather my lack thereof. I knew that addiction is about shame. Clarification, my head knew (and my heart probably still doesn't know as it ought) that addiction is related to shame, but I had not had it put so simply and clearly before. It was a great article.

Needless to say, I suffer from shame. As I talked to my wife last night, I realize I suffer from it a lot. Examples. If my car breaks down, I have a horrendous fear of asking for help, or even telling anybody about it (at least until I get it fixed). Close to two years ago, my dad and I rebuilt the engine on my aging commuter car. I was pretty proud of it, since I love the car. Well, the second day I drove it back to work, it broke down. I work 40 miles from home, out on the Navajo Reservation. Cell coverage is horrendous, but I was lucky to be able to get a call out. I let my wife know where I was and sat back to wait.

"Sat back" is quite literal. Not wanting anybody to see me, ashamed at my car breaking down, I laid the seat back so that passing cars would not see that somebody was still in the car on the side of the road.  Once back to civilization, I asked my dad for help. That evening, we got a trailer and rescued the car. In the end, I coolant line had not been secured correctly and had popped off. Nothing big. Just had to buy some more coolant. It illustrates a point though. I was ashamed to the point that I didn't want anybody to see, even if that meant waiting uncomfortably for 30 minutes. I didn't even want to get out to diagnose the problem, because somebody was sure to see me.

Another time, in High School, I got stuck in my parents' truck. We were about 5 miles from town and had to walk home along the highway. During that walk, lots of people drove past. Had I wanted, many of those cars would have offered us rides. I didn't. There was no way I was going to let others see my shame by accepting the ride. They would invariably ask what the problem was and I would then have to confess. It was much better to just walk for over an hour. Then as few people as possible would know about my mistake. The shame would be less.

Well, it is sad, but empowering, to know that this is what keeps me in my addiction. I do know that people are inherently good and that their mistakes are just that: mistakes. I even know, to one extent or another, that I am the same way, but do other people know that? If I admit to my mistakes, will they think I am a bad person? I am pretty sure they will. I will be judged, and condemned, in their eyes. Or, they will at least see me as less. I don't think I can handle that.

So, instead, I do not admit my mistakes, at least not until after I have fixed or overcome them. You may notice that the stories I shared are older, and that the problem has been fixed. That makes them easier to share. When I view pornography, I feel the same way. If I just let them fade into the past, put some distance between us, they will be easier to share. Maybe, by then, it will be something I have overcome, which is much easier to share. You know, trials overcome are a point of strength. In that way, I justify my lying to myself, to my wife, to my God.

Yesterday, Sunday afternoon, I was loading some dishes into the dish washer. Two of them were Tupperware's I had used for my lunches the previous week, so they had been sitting in the sink for a couple of days. When I popped the lid, the smell was horrendous. I immediately thought of my addiction and the lying. Okay, I immediately thought of how disgusting the smell was, but that led to thinking about lying. I think, that somehow time will make the truth smell better, but it doesn't. Boy does it make it stink!

~Sean~

Lack of Understanding

Well, my wife went to talk with the bishop last night. She had a lot of trepidation about doing so, because of experiences in her family's past and stories she had heard from other WOPA's (Wives of Porn Addicts). Despite the uncertainty and fear, she felt prompted that she needed to do so. She felt that it would help somehow.

We just recently had a change in the bishopric, so the new bishop was unaware of my problem. My last relapse had been cleared up with the old bishop. I have been debating on visiting with the new one, in order to at least be on his radar, but it was an interview I was not looking forward to.

When my wife decided she needed to see him, I thought about scheduling with him beforehand, so he would understand the situation before she went in; however, I feared that I might just be undermining her. What if I skewed his opinion to my side, just because of the way I told the story? I also thought about scheduling after her, but felt like I would be "cleaning up" the bishop's opinion. Either way, I felt like I might end up skewing it in my direction. Then again, maybe they were both just excuses not to do it.

Anyway, most of her fears came true. Bishop could see why she was hurting, but didn't have the understanding to really help her. He kept telling her that I was a good guy, instead of seeing that her hurt is legitimate. That it is a response to my betrayal.

In fact, it is interesting how few people see pornography as a betrayal. They fail to see why it should be difficult for the spouse, when they are clearly not the one with the addiction. Then again, maybe that is the problem. The mere word addiction.

It took a long time before alcoholism was seen as a sickness, not just a bad habit. Pornography, masturbation, or sexual addictions have not been labeled as such for very many years. Lustful thinking has been recognized as an addiction for even less time. As such, society at large, both inside and outside God's church, has a distinct lack of understanding about the problems and ramifications of the addictions. I feel that had she been telling our bishop that I was an alcoholic, she might have gotten a different response. Then again, maybe I am wrong.

Anyway, my wife made a comment about paving the way for others and how it sucks, because it is not giving her the strength she needs. I agree. It seems like, everybody she knows and has turned to has given her this look like, "What is your problem? He's the one with the addiction! You just need to buck up and support him in his recovery." Admittedly, the last sentence is less common, because of the lack of general knowledge about addiction recovery, but even those who understand that aspect fail to grasp the extent of her betrayal trauma.

So, I gain support, while she is left to grope blindly in the dark. The only support she can find is online, or in places like The Togetherness Project, which she found through a lot of hard work. They are good, but I wish she could find somebody that she didn't meet through ldsaddictionrecoveryblogs.blogspot.com or the aforementioned Togetherness Project that understood what she is going through.

~Sean~

Deliverance From Bondage

They were in captivity, and again the Lord did deliver them out of bondage by the power of his word. -Alma 5:5-

The word of God will be powerful in releasing you from bondage. You can find the word of God in the scriptures and the talks you hear at conference and read in Church magazines. You can also receive God's word directly through the Holy Ghost. Write some of the tings you are willing to do today to receive his word to you.

Well, I will be listening to a few chapters of the Book of Mormon on my way to work. I don't know if that counts, as it is something I was doing anyway. Also, I sometimes get distracted and don't listen as well as I should. As such, for today, I will really try to concentrate on it, instead of letting my mind wander.

At lunch, I will listen to a conference talk. That way, it recenters me for the rest of the work day. It will also give me something uplifting to think about, if the day gets slow.

Coming home, I will again listen to some of the scriptures. It is usually only one chapter though, because of coverage, but that does help.

Awakening

If ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words. -Alma 32:27-

Becoming aware - or awaking and arousing your faculties - is an important part of the process of learning to believe. In what ways are you more aware today of Jesus Christ and His power in your life that you were last week? last month? last year?

Last week? Well, my knowledge of how he can help me is greater. I feel that he loves me more. It's hard thought, because the differences are not very pronounced.

Last month? I am using his help much more now that I was a month ago. At that point, I was only barely starting into recovery again. I had forgotten about many of the things he could do to help and strengthen me. I had also forgotten how much he is willing to look past my shortcomings, as long as I repent, come to him and ask for help.

Last year? Well, a year ago, I was well into my sobriety without recovery. I relied on my own strength mostly and didn't repent very often. That is still something I struggle with. I have had this problem with my addiction for so long, that if I am not acting out and committing large sins, I feel like I don't have anything to repent of. Thus I go coasting along with the little things adding up. I was definitely doing this a year ago. No relapses, so I was good.

~Sean~

Scanning

I recently read a post on By The Light of Grace that I found very true at the time. It was about scanning. I don't know if that is the technical term, or one her husband invented, but it rang true with me. I sat and talked with my wife about how I recognize it and have done it myself. It was a great realization, something that I decided I would watch for.

Well, I caught myself scanning yesterday. The weird part is the lies that go through my head. Now, at first I was looking just to see what was there, but that quickly changed to scanning. Here are some of the thoughts I had, and at least somewhat chronologically.

Hmmm. This [newly discovered website] looks like I could spend a lot of time here. Maybe I should leave... No, I'll just be careful. I don't have to look for anything explicit.

I wonder if there is anything explicit. Wait! I'm not looking for that.

If I see something, I just won't click on it, because I am just here looking for funny things.

Okay. It's time to go. Wait, what was that. That looks funny...

I didn't find anything explicit. Truthfully, I was not far enough along to have clicked on anything blatantly, but I didn't find anything either. Still, had I sat there for another hour, my motives and my criteria, my standards, would have changed. I would have been slowly, but inexorably, pulled into the slime.

I guess it goes to remind me that I am not above Satan's sneaky, underhanded, deceptive lies. They can still get to me. I still have to be vigilant. Always.

Healing

Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation?... If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed. -Alma 15:6,8-

When we think of healing, we usually think about our bodies. What else about you might require the healing power of Jesus Christ?

My thoughts need healing. There are a lot of corrupt memories stored up there. Sadly, they are not going to just go away. They are things that will slowly fade over time, but the healing power of Christ can help them to fade more quickly, so I can get on with my life.

My triggers need healed. Some of them are expected, but there are some triggers that would not normally be associated with pornography, but are. One in particular is an idiomatic phrase, which my wife uses in everyday conversation. Sometimes, when she uses it, it spawns memories of a stupid flash game I played once. That is one of many associations I hope Christ can help me heal.

My marriage. This addition has shattered my wife's trust in me, which goes a long way to shatter our marriage. I hope that the balm of Christ's Atonement can go a long way to heal that. I do think that as long as we don't give up, time will heal too, but the Atonement can help things heal more quickly.

Write about your need to draw on the redeeming (liberating, transforming) power of Christ.

It is only through Christ that I can fully put this behind me. In fact, it has been with me so long, that it is hard to imagine life without it. What would it be like to not have this craving? I cannot imagine. Some people might try to tell me that it is natural for a man to have such "needs." They might be right. There are lots of other natural things. Things we do, unless we are taught otherwise. For example, I have a son who is yet to be potty trained. That means, he pees and poos in his diaper wherever and whenever he feels the urge. Is this a good long-term strategy? Not hardly, but it is natural. Just because it is natural does not make it the best course of action.

On the other hand, whether it is "natural" or not, it doesn't have to be. A friend of mine was teaching a Sunday School lesson about a month ago and brought up pornography. For him, he had seen one picture in a magazine, when he was twelve years old. It was on accident, at a friend's house. Since then, he has had no desire to seek out more. That is how I want to be. I want to have the change of heart, so that I have no more desire to view it. I want to have no more desire toward lustful thoughts. At this point, it seems like a pipe dream, but through Christ, it is achievable. It will take a lot of hard work in the meantime, but it is possible.

The Gift of Grace

Let us... come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. -Hebrews 4:16-

In the Bible Dictionary, grace is defined as "divine means of help or strength" given through the "bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ" ("Grace," 697). This gift of divine strength enables you to do more than you would be able to do if left on your own. The Savior will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. His grace is the means by which you can repent and be changed. In what ways have you felt the gift of grace in your life?

When I am concentrating on being better he helps me to do so. One of the major ways he has helped me is by allowing me to run on less sleep. I used to sleep in until after 6 AM, giving myself just enough time to get breakfast, make lunch and be dressed before it was time for me to start my commute. Now, most days I have been getting up at five o'clock, five-thirty at the latest, so that I have time to work on my recovery, before the boys are up. My wife and I have also had some pretty late nights, discussing the differences and difficulties we are having. I have gotten into the habit of taking a power nap over my lunch break, but overall, I am getting quite a bit less sleep than I have in the past. Despite that, I have been able to accomplish the things I need to during my day.

Since restarting recovery, I also think that I have been tempted less often, or less strongly. In truth, I think I have been given an added measure of strength to overcome my triggers. This is very helpful when it comes to staying sober. Not having the same struggles I have in the past has allowed me to concentrate more on developing better habits than on white-knuckling through the next temptation. I can work on changing my heart.

How can the gift of divine strength enable you to maintain continuous recovery?

Through Christ, I can continually overcome the temptations that come my way. He does not take all the temptations away, but he will give me the strength to overcome them. Yesterday, I was reminded of something I really need to do, when the triggers come along. Both at stake conference as well as in Clean Hands, Pure Heart, it was mentioned that in times of temptation. I need to pray. In the past, I have focused on humming or singing a hymn, or reciting a memorized scripture verse. I have learned since that over time those coping mechanisms can loose their potency, or even become triggers of their own. I don't think prayer is the same, as is should be an active conversation with my father in heaven.

As I pray, Christ will give me the strength I need to overcome the problem at hand. Does that mean it will be easy? No. It does mean it will be possible. Grace is about giving me that last boost, after I have done all that I can. It is not about giving me a free ride. Thus, as I focus on sobriety and recovery, grace gives me the strength to achieve that goal. If, however, I do not place my focus where it needs to be, the grace will no longer have hold. Sure, I might stay sober for a while, but without the grace, I will eventually fall.

~Sean~

Nature of God

.Well, I was unable to connect with my phone-based PASG tonight (remember that I live a long way from a PASG). As such, I was tempted to just use the time for my own pursuits. Instead, I read through the chapter we would have done, as well as read some in Clean Hands, Pure Heart. I am still in Chapter Two: Undoing the Lies About God. In there he quotes from the page 35 of Lectures on Faith. The expositions on the nature of God go as follows:

First, that He was God before the world was created, and the same God that He was after it was created.
Secondly, that he is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, abundant in goodness, and that He was so from everlasting and will be to everlasting.
Thirdly, that he changes not, neither is there variableness with Him; but that He is the same from everlasting to everlasting, being the same yesterday, today, and forever; and that His course is one eternal round, without variation.
Fourthly, that He is a God of truth and cannot lie.
Fifthly that He is no respecter of persons; but in every nation he that fears Go and works righteousness is accepted of Him.
Sixthly, that He is love.

Philip A. Harrison then goes to expound on each of them and what this discovery meant to him. While reading it, the second one stood out to me. God is slow to anger. He wants to help me, not condemn me. I have actually known this in my head for a while, but I guess I have not let it sink into my heart. I have long accepted that God is merciful and wants me to overcome my problem, but that doesn't mean that he wants to hear from me when I am deep in the problem. I have felt that when using pornography, he doesn't want to hear from me. I don't want to make it sound like that feeling was extremely strong, just strong enough to make give me another excuse not to repent.

I have to remember, that just like Philip A. Harrison, or any other person that has recovered from the same, or similar addictions, God wants me to recover too. He would much rather have me confess to him (and my wife and bishop) thirty seconds after the act, then for me to let it fade into the past. In fact, having it further in the past does not make it any more pallatable to him. All it does is separate us for a greater amount of time.

Which does nobody any good.

~Sean~

Time...Is Marching On

June 18th, 2013.

That is my last day viewing pornography. So, June 19th is my first sober day. Almost five months. Twenty Weeks. 144 Days. Those are all good days, but I have a hard time being too excited about them. You see, I had about 3 years of sobriety behind me (I had stopped keeping track). Sadly, I had stopped my recovery, but that was a long time. 36 Months. 78 Weeks. 1000+ days. When I compare the two sets of numbers, the former is pathetically small. So, it's hard to be too excited about it.

There is another aspect to it. Two-and-a-half years ago my youngest wasn't even born. Number Two was 1 1/2 years old and my oldest was three. They are now 2, 4 and 6. Once I have that much time under my belt, they will be 5, 7 and 9. From what research my wife has done, 9 is the average age for the first exposure to pornography. That means some are later, but some are earlier too. Thus, Number Two would be squarely within that range too. If they are going to have addictions to pornography and masturbation, the seeds could be being planted then. Heck, they could be being planted now.

So, what is this all coming too? I have to keep up the recovery this time. Sure, Christ will give me another chance, as long as I repent. My wife might, depending on how honest I am with her, because the dishonesty is what hurts her the most. But, if I don't want to pass this on to my sons, I may not have another chance. I need to develop the habits now, and reprogram my brain now, before it is too late, because they are surely going to face pornography temptations when they are older. I need to be ready to teach them about how to overcome Satan's horrendous poison. I need to be an example for them, and not an example of how it ruins lives.

When I started recovery the last time, it was because of a Stake Conference talk. I went to the early morning priesthood session, hoping to be spiritually uplifted. I had been acting out for about a year (maybe more, maybe less) and had not told my wife. When she asked me how things were going, I would lie. I would tell her I was fine. I had convinced myself that it wasn't that bad, and that it was better for her not to know. Besides, this time was the last time. I was going to go sober after that and let it sink into the background. So, I went to the session in denial about my little problem!

We had the most unexpected speaker. It was a woman. From my ward. And she talked about the evils of pornography and how they tore apart her happy marriage. He had been unwilling to work on his problem. Problem, what problem? He didn't have a problem. In the end, he had lost everything. In her narrative, I saw myself. Sure, I wasn't loosing everything yet, but it could be me, if I kept it up. Before the meeting was up, I determined to tell my wife.

That was the longest drive home I have ever experienced. As soon as I walked in the door, my unsuspecting wife asked how the meeting went. I said something like, "It was amazing!". Then I told her that I had to tell her something. My mind was already trying to get me to put it off. You don't need to tell her before Stake Conference. That would just ruin her morning. You could put it off until after church, that way she could at least be spiritually uplifted there. She was blown away. Sure, she had felt like something was off between us, but did not expect that. Especially not the year of lying.

Once I had divulged that, I had to go see the bishop. At this point, I could also realize that it was not a little problem. It was an addiction. We started attending the PASG, which was in its early days. We pawned the kids of on my sister one night a week, telling her we were going to something that could help our marriage. Not untrue, but I was unwilling to admit it to others at the time.

Anyway, this is not my whole life story. I am starting the slow count again. I hope to reach that same mark 2 1/2 years from now. In reality, I realize that that may not be the case, but I hope for it. More importantly though, is that if I slip, I want to be honest from the get go. An addiction cannot survive if it isn't in the dark. Plus, my wife, no matter what else happens, deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know if I lusted after another woman. She deserves to. I don't want to lose her! I don't want to lose the kids! That would be a dark day indeed.

~Sean~

The Savior's Compassion

Straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. -Mark 9:24-

This man sought help from the Savior and obtained it. Jesus dit not rebuke him for his doubt. Write about the Savior's compassion and patience.
This is a great principle, because Satan tries to convince me that Christ will rebuke me. He wants me to think that He is angry with me and may not want to forgive me, when I have messed up yet again. This is so far from the truth. As long as I am willing to truly repent, Christ is willing to forgive. He doesn't keep count of offenses, he only takes measure of my heart. As long as I am willing to repent, he will forgive. The other part is that when I have not repented, or am not repenting, he still wants me to. There is nothing he wants more than for me to come to him and take His Atonement into my life.

He also realizes that it can take time to change. He is willing to wait. And wait. And wait. I am being hurt, if I wait longer to repent. I am failing to progress, but He is willing to give me time.

How do you feel about sharing your feelings with the Lord?
Right now? Pretty good. In the midst of giving into my addiction? Not so great. Again, another lie from Satan. He tries to convince, and to some point has convinced, me that God and Christ don't really want to hear from me when I am naughty. Also, they don't really want to hear my problems. They want to hear from me in general, but don't want me to burden them with petty problems. As a father, I have to think that this cannot be further from the truth. I want to know what kinds of problems me sons are going through. I want to know how they are doing. I assume that he is the same, except more perfectly. I have to remember to take my burdens to him. He wants to hear them.

Lies Hurt

So, we had another long discussion last night (read: argument). It was a good thing in the end, but hard. There are a couple of take-aways that I would like to discuss.

Lies Hurt
There is this rumor going around that some lies are okay. These are lies such as, "No, those pants don't make your butt look big." or, "I love this food." On the surface, thy look like they are saving somebody's feelings, which is a good thing. It seems like the perpetrator is just being nice. Well, they may be trying to be nice, but there is no "just" about it. What they are really doing is hurting the other person's trust. Now, with small lies, it may cause a small hurt, but it does none the less. Eventually, the one being lied to will stop asking about the pants, because they know they won't get a straight answer. Or, if they do ask, they will wonder whether they actually do, but the liar is just trying to hide the truth.

Now, take this problem and magnify it for much bigger lies. Such as pornography consumption. When I have used pornography, I have always had a hard time telling my wife. Even if she asked me point blank. My self justification was that I didn't want to hurt her. Now, that may have been true to an extent, true enough that I would kind of believe the rest of the lie, it wasn't very true at all. I didn't want to tell her, because it was going to hurt me. It meant that there would definitely be no sex that night (amazing how many of my decisions can hang on that possibility), not to mention that I would have to go talk to the bishop. I would have to change and I wasn't ready to do that yet. I was happy enough, miserable in my addiction.

So, now she has to wonder about every single thing I tell her. When I tell her, I have had some lustful thoughts that day, is that all there was? Or, am I using that to hide something bigger? The questions go on and on, because she doesn't know if it is the truth, if I am hiding the truth to protect her. Am I hiding the truth to protect me, or my addiction? No matter what I say and how honest I am, she doesn't know if I am really being honest, or just acting like I am.

Like so many things in recovery, time will heal. It is going to take a long time to rebuild that trust. In the meantime, she has to wonder. Sure, I get frustrated, but she gets to wonder about anything and everything I say, or don't say.

The Truth is Hard
At the same time, despite the knowledge of how destructive lies are, the truth is still hard sometimes. I still have a hard time telling her things I know will hurt her. Also, I have to ask myself whether what I say is really the truth, or am I bending it in some way. Why am I lying? Fear? Anger? Self Protection? If it is a lie after all, what is the truth? How do I tell her, if that is going to hurt? Man, it is all so tangled. The truth is much easier than lies though. No stories to make up. No lines to rehearse. Just say it like it really is. Not like I want it to be.

Recovery is Hard
This is a hard one, although it seems logical. I mean, if recovery were easy, I wouldn't need PASG and everybody could do it on their own. Sadly, it is not and so thousands and even millions of people suffer from the addiction. Now, my wife and I get to walk down the long road of recovery. It is rocky and I swear it is uphill most of the way, but in the end, I hope it is worth it.

Anger is, well, an Emotion
This is a hard one. As I look at my 6 year old, I see a lot of myself, including the anger issue I used to have. I say "used to", but apparently it is not as overcome as I thought. Why is that? Because I don't cope with the anger I just hold it in, until it "goes away." That is my explanation. When I need to express something that has to do with anger I am feeling, I often just don't. I don't express it. Instead, I just let it "melt away." Or so I thought. So, I need to find a better way to cope with it.

There is a problem that comes with that though. Sometimes, when I am mad I want to say things that would be destructive. Now, as I strive to be completely honest, I have to decide whether those are true, or whether I am just trying to get even. Am I just trying to make her hurt too? If it is true, but I am just saying it to hurt her, does it still have to be said?

As with so many things in my recovery, I don't know yet. I hope to learn over time.

Thanks for watching.~

~Sean~

Faith in Jesus Christ

Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ. -Alma 37:33-

Many of us tried to get out of our addictions through sheer willpower or through having faith in a friend or therapist. Sooner or later we found that our faith in ourselves or others did not enable us to overcome our addictions fully. Write about your feelings today of being humble and willing to turn to Christ and His gospel above all other sources of help in your recovery efforts.

Another quote I really like is from Elder Packer, clear back in October of 1986:

The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior....That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.

This is an important distinction, which brings in a duality of true recovery. Recovery is about a change in behavior, but it is also a change of heart - a change of motives. Ask anybody that has heard me talk about the gospel much and they can probably recite my motives monolog. Still, I think it holds true. My addiction to pornography and masturbation is a two fold problem. Yes, I have undesirable actions, which I would like to overcome, but there is a deeper problem. I have an addiction to lustful thinking as well. What is lust? Definitions are very meaningful.

The LDS Guide to the Scriptures defines lust as: To have an inappropriately strong desire for something. Thus, I have an addiction to thoughts that are inappropriately strong, specifically about things of a sexual nature. I have an addiction to sexual arousal. So, I could study all about the process of sexual arousal, but that would not help me overcome the problem. In fact, it would probably make it worse, because it would give my sick mind more to go off. More triggers are not good.

Instead, I need to focus on recovery. On that note, I could study addiction recovery from a worldly view. That is an interesting proposition though. For instance, from the world's point of view, pornography isn't bad. It is just another form of erotic stimulation. They are beginning to come to the conclusion that an addiction to it, just like addictions to anything else, can be a problem; however, through the gospel we come to know that it is a bad thing. Now, you could argue that the Bible, or the Book of Mormon, or the Doctrine in Covenants, or The Pearl of Great Price never mention pornography. That may be true, but they do mention something very related. Lustful thinking.

In the Law of Moses it says that we should not commit adultery, which is true; however, Christ taught a higher law. From him we learn that lusting after a woman is committing adultery in your heart. So, what is pornography about? Well, it isn't my wife up on the screen. Thus, pornography is prompting me to lust after other women. Along those lines, I can lust after my wife as well. Now, this is a new idea to me. In the past, I have always assumed that as long as I was thinking about my spouse, it was okay. I have recently come to a different conclusion. Remember, lust is a desire that is inappropriately strong. Thus, I can lust after my own wife.

Does that mean sexual desires are inappropriate? No, but I do have to bridle my passions, both within and without my marriage.

Coming back to the original question, the gospel of Christ can help me do this. As I study the gospel and rely on the Spirit (read Holy Ghost), I can begin to discern what is appropriate and what is not. I will also be able to learn what to do about it and how to change said behaviors. I can learn to bridle my passions and rid myself of lustful thoughts. It is only through the gospel that I can do that though, because it will change my behavior faster than studying behavior will.

~Sean~

Witnesses of God's Love

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend. -Mosiah 4:9-

Many witnesses in heaven and in earth testify of God's existence. What evidences of God and his love have you experienced?

My Wife

Wow. Big subject. One of the big ones is my wife. I know that sounds cliche, especially in light of my misdeeds, but I am very blessed to have found her. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. We have had some rough times together, and I have have brought some even rougher times, but she has always been there, encouraging and uplifting me, so that I feel like I can go on. She is non-judgmental when I make mistakes and is supportive of me fixing them. Recently, as she has started her own recovery, she has also developed some new characteristics: a greater self-confidence and self-awareness that adds volumes to her personality and makes me that much more happy that I have her in my life.

Three Boys

I also have been blessed with three little terrors, I mean boys. They are handfuls, each in their own way, but they are also precious little spirits, with whom the Lord has blessed me. I am continually amazed at how unique each one is and how much potential they each have, if I can just not mess it up. I see a little of myself in each of them, as well as some of their mom. As they grow, I am sure they will bring much hardship and grief, but they will also bring many blessings and much inspiration.

Good Employment/Good Home

A good job, so that my wife can stay at home with the kids. This is a big one. Are we rich? No, but we make enough to get by. The interesting thing, it that I didn't do a whole lot of Job searching to get said employment. We lived in Logan, where I was finishing schooling. My wife and I both started in Cedar City at SUU, where we earned our bachelor's degrees. Afterwords, what with the economy in shambles, we decided that further schooling couldn't hurt. As such, we headed to Logan and Utah State University. After two years of hard work (and much lying about my addiction, but that is a post for another day), I finished my Master's Degree. We had loved the people of Logan, but could not stand the winters. This motivation turned us to look for other options and we quickly settled on my hometown: Blanding, UT. Population: 3000ish.

After much prayer, it felt right. Although, I must admit that for much of the prayer, I was not as close to the Lord as I should have been and relied much more on my wife's revelations. Again, I won't go into how this was when I started PASG, etc. That is another post. At the end of the two years, we began to get ready for the move. I put in my notice at work and began training my replacement. We also started packing. If you will notice, there was still no job in the works. We had a little in savings and I planned to do some freelancing to help hold us over, until I could find regular employment. Oh, and we were going to live with my parents (again, not a post for today).

As we were packing, I got a call from my mom, where she mentioned that they had an IT position posted at work and that I should send in my resume. I polished it up (read: re-wrote the whole thing, with the help of a great library book) and sent it in. On our last day in Logan, while we were loading the UHaul, I got a call and had my first phone interview. I was not sure how well it went, but felt okay about it. The next morning, we loaded our little family into our Jetta and the UHaul and made the 8 1/2 hour drive (longer with the moving van) to San Juan County and our families future.

That Monday, while still moving in with my parents, I got my second phone interview. They asked me to do an in person interview on Wednesday, and by Thursday I was hired. Which was good, because moving had taken a lot more of our savings than we had expected and we would not have lasted as well as we had hoped. Another boon that came with the job was full coverage health insurance. We now had financial stability and the means to provide for our health. What a blessing that was.

Good Cars

Energizer bunny car. They just last and last and last. Part of this is due to my father's and my skills with mechanics (yet more blessings), but much of it is the Lord. We bought a '96 VW Jetta just before getting married (another story not for here), which had 145k miles on it at the time. Today, she has almost 260k. I have rebuilt the engine (though it ended up unnecessary) and replaced the transmission, along with many other repairs, but she has lasted. Now, eight years later, she is relegated to the role of around town car, but she has been amazingly cheap to drive and a blessing on our finances.

Uplifting Friends

Great friends. Even if many of them are far away, we do have some good friends, who are inspirations and support. One couple, in particular, we wish could move closer, but we do enjoy the time we get wit them, despite the distance. Friends can be helpful.

Knowledge and Support

The Togetherness Project. My wife found this one a little over a month ago and it is a great support for her as she works through her trauma. Along with that, are many other things that are helping her to work through problems she may not have even realized were there. Or at least what the root cause was.

Supportive Family

Some of the family is oblivious, or doesn't understand the far reaching problem that my addiction is, but some are very helpful. A special thanks to my mother-in-law and her significant other, who have offered full, non-judging support when finding out how much their son-in-law has hurt their daughter. Such support is comforting, strengthening and uplifting.

I could probably go on, but I am running out of time here. Yep. In my life, there have been many evidences of God's love, even if during my darker times I had a hard time always seeing them.

~Sean~

PASG

Hello. I am Sean. I am an addict to pornography, masturbation and lustful thoughts.

I think I have already mentioned how much I missed a Pornography Addiction Support Group. When we lived in Logan, both my wife and I had been able to attend. Since moving back to Blanding, that had changed. Sure, there was a General Addiction Support Group, but it never quite felt the same. I also mentioned that I had found a PASG that I could attend via phone, but wasn't sure if that was just a cop out. Well, I did it last night and I think it was a good choice. It was nice to be talking to others with very similar problems. I also noticed a couple of things.

The first one is that in the last two years, since I was able to attend a PASG, most have begun to say that they suffer from an addiction to lustful thoughts. Interestingly, I have come to the conclusion for myself within the last week or so, but I was unsure how to phrase it. Was throwing it onto my normal list making that too long. Should a just say that I have sexual addictions, which was true enough? I have decided that those three sum up my problem pretty well.

A second thing I noticed is how much realization has come about the trauma that spouses are going through. Multiple people talked about the trauma recovery their wives are going through. I throw my lot in with them and am so thankful she is doing so. In fact, if it hadn't been for her hard work and research, I would probably still be in denial about needing to pick up the recovery trail again.

The third thing I noticed is that I think I am ready to move on to step 2. Maybe it is premature, maybe it is overdue, but I think I am there. This is my third time starting into the Addiction Recovery Program and both times before I made it to step 4, then never finished. I wonder if that is because I did not do the intervening steps thoroughly enough, so I am taking it slow this time. I want to make sure I spend enough time on each step. Does that mean my honesty no longer needs help? No. I will continue to work on that as well, but I think I am ready to add the next principle to the mix.

~Sean~

Healthy View of Sex

So, at the get go. I wrote this post once, but due to the wonders of technology, I lost it. Now, I am sitting down to answer the questions again. There is no way I can promise the answers will come out the same and I have no way of knowing which will be the more truthful ones, or the more thoughtful ones. Let's see what comes out though.

Did your parents talk to you about sex? Did you feel you could ask them questions? Write about your communication with your parents about sex.
No. I think they wanted sex to be an open topic in their home, but I never felt that it was. It was always an embarrassing subject. Truthfully, that might have been on my side, not theirs. I think the times it came up, other than "the talk" was in jokes or at least light-hearted. My wife feels like it is talked about a lot more in my family than hers, but I don't know as it was really any more of a healthy attitude toward the subject.

I probably could have asked them questions, but I did not feel comfortable doing so. I remember one time I came in the room and my older sister and my parents were talking (I was probably in 8th or 9th grade at the time). They mentioned something about "rubbers", when they had been talking about rubber bands, that was funny. At least, they all laughed. I laughed along. My dad then asked if I knew what a rubber was and answered in the affirmative, thinking of rubber bands. When he asked me what it was, I realized I didn't know and their attitudes made me very embarrassed about not knowing. I don't remember what I said, but I didn't learn that they were referencing condoms that night. I actually didn't learn until years later, when I heard the term in the media (probably a movie) and realized what it referenced. Because of the embarrassment associated, that incident is still burned into my memory though.

Overall, I don't remember learning much healthy information about sex at home. Oh, it is talked about now. Now that all of the kids are grown, but not during our developing years.

If you could picture your Heavenly Parents sitting down with you to tell you about sex, how do you imagine it? Write down some of the things you think they might say.
I am sure thy would explain the mechanics, something I also didn't understand well until marriage - or at least courtship. We were given Between a Husband and Wife, which encourages healthy conversation about sex and intimacy. That is when I learned more than the basic gist of the mechanics. I think I would come away from the heavenly conversation with a much better understanding of the raw physical side of things than I ever did from my 6th grade school presentation with my parents.

More importantly, I think they would explain how wonderful it is and how much it can bond two people together, but also how much it can hurt, when used wrongly. It is one of the most amazing and powerful binding tools there is in a marriage. However, if used wrong, such as outside a marriage covenant, it is destructive and debasing.

I think they would also warn me that (especially for me) it can be very addicting. The high associated with it is so accessible, because no chemicals are needed, other than what the body naturally produces. They would warn me that it is the forefront of Satan's battle to destroy their children. Satan is doing everything he can to use sex to destroy the children of God. He gives them false understandings about it left and right, so many of them contradicting others (sex is evil, sex is good - no matter what kind), that the whole world is at least partially confused.

They would also stress how serious the breaking of the law of chastity is. In the gospel, we know it is the third greatest sin. That is pretty big; however, the world teaches that it is no big deal, or even that the law of chastity doesn't apply today. It is an antiquated idea.

I would also learn that sex is not dirty. Just because it is something private, that is only to be used within the bonds of marriage, between a husband and a wife, does not make it a filthy practice. Instead, it is something beautiful, pure and clean, when used correctly. As such, there should be no shame in it.

Write about what you would like to get out of this book. What understanding would you like to gain? What changes in your life would you like to see happen?
I would like this book to be a supplement to the Addiction Recovery Program and any other resources I find on the subject. I would like to see how a man applied the 12 Step Program to the same addiction I face. I want to more fully understand the principles associated with it and be able to apply those in my life, so that I can go through my recovery effectively. I want to overcome my addiction to sex and replace that with a healthy view. I know that overcoming does not mean it will go away. It does mean, that over time, my brain can be rewired to associate the right things with this wonderful, beautiful gift and power we have been given.

Spit, Spat, Gesputten

My wife and I had quite the spat yesterday. I was at work and sent her a chat asking how things were going. She said fine, then there was a little small talk back and forth. Then she asked something to the affect of, "Why do you bring up group when I want to do something on Tuesday night, but not when you do." I got very defensive and the conversation deteriorated from there. At lunch, when I called home, it continued. I was kind of able to get off work early (only kind of, because I got called back in shortly after I got home, because of some network problems) and things got a better talking in person. Now, I have to say that they got better than they were, not completely better. Talking in person makes a big difference though, much better than chatting or talking on the phone.

Now, as you can probably guess, the fight didn't happen in a vacuum. As you already know, if you have read any of the other posts, I have a sexual addiction, pornography and masturbation being my drugs of choice. My wife, is facing trauma because of that, a natural reaction to your spouse betraying you and looking for sexual fulfillment outside of your marriage covenants - on multiple occasions. As such, there is a lot of anger and hurt on her side (a lot more than on my side), and a lot of shame on my side, and a lot of fear on both. As can be guessed, this is not an ideal situation for marital bliss.

There was a time we never fought. In fact, going into marriage, I made it a point not to. I remember, as a kid, seeing my parents fight. I specifically remember one night thinking that they were getting a divorce for sure. I was probably 8 years old and I remember them coming in when they heard me crying in my bed. They asked what was wrong and when I told them that I was afraid they were getting divorced, they said that wouldn't happen. They didn't fight any more, that night, but the experience stuck with me. My wife, on the other hand, had parents that divorced when she was a teenager, and that has had its own traumatizing effects on her.

Well, between the combination of these, I was determined not to fight. As such, in general (although I am far from perfect), if something seemed like it was going to cause a fight, I just didn't say it. I probably got this from my dad, who I am pretty sure does this about constantly, in order to avoid the fights I heard as a child. So, for the first 8 years of our relationship, we haven't fought much. Oh, I have brooded and pouted and had all kinds of crappy emotions, but we have rarely fought. That has changed recently.

Through talking with my wife and working on my Addiction I have found that this is dishonest. I am being dishonest with myself as well as with her. Now, this is a hard pill to swallow, as I liked having a marriage that was mostly free of fights, even if that came because I was hiding information and emotions from my eternal companion. Well, in the last month, we have had more than a couple of spats. I still have a hard time voicing my feelings, especially my anger, if I think it is going to lead into another one. Like yesterday, when she first asked the question and my blood began to boil, at first I didn't answer. I continued to work on what I had been, or at least tried to. Then, I realized what I was doing. I was being dishonest about my emotions, about my anger. So I lashed back. It was hard and it went on for a while, until she ended  with, "I didn't mean to fight with you at work. I will let you get back to what you were doing."

So, what did we argue about? Whether or not I am in recovery. I like to think that I am. I am trying to change. I am working on Step 1, being honest. On the other hand, I have yet to go to a support group meeting, which is where the argument stemmed from. The previous night, Tuesday, we had gone to The Saratov Approach. The first date we have had in a while and the first movie date in a looong while (we had a coupon that made it a free date). When she had suggested Tuseday night, I thought about letting her know that I was going to go to Group on Friday nights, but was dishonest and kept it to myself. Why? Because I thought one week would be okay. Because I wanted to see the movie. Because I wanted a date night. Because I have a hard time accepting that recovery is going to take time out of other things I would like to be doing. Because.

Well, that same night, before she got to the movies, she volunteered to help with a local theater production that is starting up, which meant she would be busy the next Tuesday night and I would be taking care of the kids. As she volunteered, I knew it would interfere, but didn't want to mention the problem in front of the outsiders. At some point that evening, after the movie I think, I mentioned the problem. She didn't say much, but the next day (as she was chatting with me), she realized the incongruity of the situation. That made here mad, which made me mad.

So, what does this all mean? I don't know. Maybe, it means I am not in recovery. Maybe, it means she is right. Maybe, it means I need to prioritize my recovery more. Maybe, it means recovery is harder than I would like to admit. Maybe.

I do know that I am tired. After two weeks in crisis mode, it is wearing on me. Today is a little better, but yesterday was bad. I have a 40 mile, 45 minute commute across the Navajo Reservation and I was fighting falling asleep. I managed to get to bed earlier last night though, so I hope to be less exhausted today. We'll see.

As far as good news, I did find a Support Group that looks promising. There are none in Blanding that focus on Sexual Addictions. They are all General Addicton Support Groups. This is one of the excuses I used when I quite going last time. I didn't feel like I was getting the support I needed. In Logan, it had been nice to be in a group of people that truly suffered the same as I did. It was also more supportive. Well, by going to the LDS Addiction Recovery site there is a page for finding Support Group Meetings. Apparently, there is a phone-based Pornography Addiction Support Group out of Snowflake, AZ. They meet Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday @ 7PM. Sundays @ 8PM, there is also a spouse meeting. A match made in heaven?

Or, am I just copping out? I don't know. I think I am going to give it a try this Sunday though, because I am not making it tomorrow night (with it being Halloween and all). That doesn't sound right, because I feel like I am claiming to have been going regularly. I have not been to Group in over a year, so this is a new start. A new start to a new life, although there will surely be bumps along the road. And that's the rest of the story.